The Locker Room
by AlwaysEachOther
Summary: The locker room is the witness to many intimate moments. It's where they decompress, and take a moment for themselves. A collection of Linstead moments, episode inserts and original scenes. Episode inserts include 3.11 Knocked The Family Right Out, 3.17 Forty-Caliber Bread Crumb, 3.23 Start Digging, 4.08 A Shot Heard Around The World, 4.11 You Wish. Not in chronological order.
1. Part 1

_Hey there! So, I can't take credit for the idea for the second part of this story. Someone on Tumblr brought up the idea of Erin helping Jay clean off the blood on his face in 3x17 (sorry, I can't remember who). I then came across a picture of Erin in 3x11 with the blood on her face after Jay rescues her, and my mind connected the two incidents together (I really love parallels). This story is the result. I hope you enjoy it. As always, I do not own anything associated with Chicago PD. I just adore Erin and Jay, and Sophia and Jesse for portraying them, so my mind likes to imagine various scenarios for them. Also, right as I went to publish this, I had an idea for another scene to add on, but I didn't want to change the ending. So, if enough people enjoy/review this, I might add a second chapter as a follow up. Please review, I'd love to know what you think :)_

/

 _The locker room is the witness to many intimate moments. It's where they decompress, and take a moment for themselves._

/

She's still shaking slightly by the time they get back to the district, something that hasn't escaped her partner's attention. Jay shoots concerned glances at her every few minutes as he drives them back, something he obviously doesn't get to do very often. His concern had only increased when she'd climbed into the passenger seat with absolutely no arguments. He's always worrying about her, but their recently renewed relationship means his protective tendencies have increased. He knows how capable a cop she is, but he's sure he'll never forget the fear that gripped at his chest when he caught sight of her bound and gagged with a knife to her neck.

He's not sure what to say to her, and she seems lost in her thoughts, staring out at the road through the windshield with a blank expression. He lets the silence hang between them, but reaches one arm across the console to grasp her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. She squeezes it back, but doesn't turn her head to meet his eyes.

Jay parks the car when they arrive at the district, and guides Erin upstairs with a hand at the small of her back. They're back at work and their relationship needs to return to its usual professional boundaries, but Voight isn't around, and Jay really doesn't care anyway. He leads Erin into the locker room, towards the sink, and sits her down on the bench. She shoots him a confused look.

"Just hang on." He tells her. He turns to the sink to wet some paper towel and bring it back to face her. Understanding dawns on her, as she realises she still has blood spattered across her cheek. She shudders suddenly as she remembers how it got there.

"Hey," Jay says soothingly. He cups her face between his hands, ignoring the fact that he's getting blood on his palm. He forces her eyes to meet his. "You're okay, Erin. It's over now."

She nods silently, her words getting stuck in her throat. She brings a hand up to grip at his wrist, silently thanking him for being here. He nods and returns to the task at hand of wiping the blood from her cheek, focusing all of his attention on her.

"I couldn't do anything." She says softly, finally speaking.

His eyes flicker to hers as he continues, letting her know that he's listening.

"I was so helpless, and I hated it. I couldn't stop him from what he was about to do." She turns her face away from his, focusing on the blue lockers.

His heart clenches at the vulnerability in her words. He knows her well, knows how much she hates appearing weak.

"Hey," he murmurs, kneeling in front of her now that he's finished cleaning her face. "I know. It wouldn't have been your fault though."

She locks her eyes back on his. "I can't believe I fell for it."

"We all did, Erin." He reassures her. "You were just doing your job."

She stares into his eyes, so entranced by the depth of them, the level of his concern for her. "Thanks for saving me."

He smiles at her. "That's why you have backup, right?" He says lightly, although his heart is still beating a little too fast in his chest. He's not sure what he would have done if he'd been too late, or if the guy had sliced the knife before he'd shot the bullet. He knows if anything happened to her, he'd never forgive himself.

She smiles back and nods, then sighs before rising from the bench. "We'd better get back out there."

Jay stands too, and moves forwards into her. "Before we do …"

He takes her into his arms, holding her securely against his strong chest. She allows herself just a moment to focus on him, to realise everything she's gone through today before putting it out of her mind to finish their work.

"Let's finish up, then we can go home and forget about today." He says, his breath washing over her hair.

She nods against his chin; desperately wishing she was at home with him right now. Somewhere where she can be herself instead of Detective Lindsay. The place where they can be themselves, instead of professional partners.

/

She'd noticed the blood on his face as soon as she saw him. He'd turned his head when she embraced him so that it didn't get onto her, but once they'd returned upstairs he'd become completely focused on the case, speaking with Voight and then running the team through what had happened. She'd been focusing her attention on him ever since, mostly out of concern for his headspace, but also to reassure herself that he's still here, that he's physically okay after a situation that could've killed him.

She can see the grief, anger and desperation in his eyes. She knows all too well what it's like to want vengeance for a friend who was killed. She can also see the blood on his face, and now it's all she can focus on. He's probably forgotten all about it in his haste to find Terry's killer, but it's a reminder to her of how close she was to losing him.

She catches Voight's eye, who gives her a subtle nod. Thank goodness he knows her so well. She waits until Ruzek and Atwater move away from their discussion with Jay, leaving him standing alone by his desk. She rises from her own and makes her way across to him, gently grabbing his hand and tugging on it until he follows her reluctantly out of the room.

"Erin, what are we doing?" He asks, trying not to sound frustrated with her. "We've got stuff to do."

She leads to the locker room and pushes down on his shoulders until he falls to the bench below him.

"I know, but everyone else has got it for a minute or two, okay?"

He almost protests again, but stops himself when he catches the look in her eyes. There's sadness, but also a hint of panic and fear that lingers. He nods in acceptance, watching as she grabs some paper towel and wets it, returning to stand in front of him.

Her touch is gentle against his, wiping away the blood and sweat from his face, before moving up to his left ear. He closes his eyes at her tender ministrations, allowing himself a few seconds of peace.

She watches him carefully as she wipes the blood away, finishing with his face and moving to the arm of his jacket. She completes her task and takes a moment to look at him.

This beautiful man, her partner in everything. She knows she could have lost him today, just as Terry's wife lost him, and the thought terrifies her more than anything else in the world. She knows she loves him, more than she's ever loved anyone, but she hasn't found the right time or way to say it yet. This is definitely not it.

She can't stop herself from wrapping her arms around his neck, cradling his head against her. Jay wraps his arms around her midsection in response, the differing height levels unfamiliar to them.

"I'm okay, Erin." He repeats his earlier words to her.

She nods against him. "I know. I just needed to remind myself."

She knows he's not okay, but she understands his need to compartmentalise and push his feelings away until the case is done. After all, it's what she does too. She trusts that when everything is over he'll come to her. For now, all she can do is support him, like he's done for her so many times before.

She pulls away from their embrace and offers a hand to pull him from his seated position on the bench.

Wordlessly, they walk out of the locker room together. It's time to find the man who killed Terry. Then she can take him home and make him face everything he's feeling.

/

After days like these, they go home to one of their apartments and curl up on the couch. They hold each other tight, arms and legs entangled, heads against chests to listen to the other's heartbeat. Neither of them are particularly religious, but they both thank whatever higher power there is that they didn't lose the person they need the most.

Erin lays her head against his shoulder, listening to his steady breathing as he dozes against her. She'll tell him she loves him soon. This life they lead together is far too short for regrets.


	2. Part 2

_So here is the second part of this story that I finally finished! Thanks for the reviews on the last part, especially those who said they'd like to read a follow up, I really appreciate it. I started writing the follow up straight away; the idea hit me as soon as I'd published the first part. However, I started it and then left it alone for weeks because work became so busy and I had no time to finish it. I sat down today and managed to get it all out in about an hour haha. I hope you guys enjoy it! Please review and let me know._

/

The locker room isn't just where they go before they head home, or clean each other up after a messy case. It's the place where she tells him she loves him for the first time.

Their day starts like any other, bantering in the car and grabbing coffee from the break room. Before they know it, the whole team is gearing up and heading out to pick up the lowlife they're chasing this week. They ride together in the 300 together, as they always do. As soon as they reach their destination, it's business as usual.

"Halstead and Lindsay, take the upstairs. Olinksy and Ruzek, man the back door. Attwater and Dawson, you're with me." Voight hands out orders to his team, each of them nodding in response.

Attwater knocks the door down and they all storm in, Jay and Erin heading up the stairs as they were directed. They move seamlessly together, Jay taking the lead with Erin watching his back. They head down the narrow hallway, clearing each room. When they reach the last one they peer in, spotting their perp. They turn back to face each other, counting down before they burst in, guns at the ready.

"CPD, hands where I can see them!" Jay yells.

The man whirls around, aiming his own weapon at the two partners.

"You're crazy if you think this ends well for either of you." The guy practically spits at them.

"I said put it down!" Jay yells again, still aiming his weapon at the suspect.

A shot goes off with a loud bang, and all Jay can see is his partner go down, hitting the ground hard. Their suspect jumps out the window, and Jay can't bring himself to care as he throws himself beside Erin's crumpled body.

"Olinksy, Ruzek, he went out the window. Lindsay's down." He yells through his radio.

Erin lies beside him, gasping for air, and he turns his full attention to her.

"Come on Erin, you're fine, you're okay." He whispers frantically. "Please be the vest, please be the vest." He prays out loud.

His hands roam all over her upper body, searching for an entry wound. His finger catches on the bullet that's stuck in the vest, right over her ribs.

"Oh, thank God." He breathes out in complete relief. He gently slides her vest off, just to double check, and is finally satisfied when he doesn't find any blood.

" _Halstead, what's happening?"_ Voight barks at him through the radio in his tone that he uses when Erin is concerned.

"She's okay, the vest caught it." He relays to their boss, unable to keep his voice steady.

"Erin, are you okay?" He asks anxiously, since she still hasn't spoken a word since she went down.

She breathes in sharply with a grimace, nodding her head slightly.

"Just winded." She gasps.

Jay's hand finds her cheek, bringing her eyes to focus on him. He sighs in relief when he realises they're clear, and she's fully aware of what is happening.

"Don't scare me like that again." He smiles slightly.

"Sorry." She answers breathlessly.

He lifts her shirt up to check again for injuries, wincing at the redness already tinging her skin, knowing that she'll be bruised tomorrow.

"You alright to get up now?" He asks, already weaving his arm under her back to support her.

She nods, allowing him to help her up and out of the house, down to where Voight and the rest of the unit are waiting.

/

"I still say we should go to the hospital," Jay comments as he passes Erin a new ice pack, turning to collect her things out of her locker as she watches him from the bench. "You could have some broken ribs."

She'd refused to go to Chicago Med, as he'd expected. Even Voight's insistence hadn't convinced her, so he'd settled for sending her home early. He'd even given Jay the rest of the day off, since they'd made the arrest, and he didn't want Erin driving herself home.

"I'm fine." She insists with only a slight wince.

Jay rolls his eyes at her stubbornness. "Yeah, convincing." He says sarcastically.

He comes to sit next to her on the bench, gently turning her body so that they're facing each other. One hand rises to take the icepack from her so he can hold it in place. The other slides up to cup her cheek.

"Please, let me take you on the way home." He almost begs. "I know the paramedics checked you out, but I'd feel better if you let Will do a scan."

She sighs reluctantly, because he's using the puppy dog eyes on her that he knows she can't say no to, and the concern on his face is actually really touching.

"Only if we can get Chinese for dinner on the way home." She concedes.

A smile overtakes his face as he leans forward to kiss her softly. "Deal."

She smiles at him as he pulls back. His eyes are warm and affectionate as he looks at her, even with the residual fear from before still there. He's beautiful, and he's hers, and she knows in that moment that she needs to tell him.

"I love you."

He freezes slightly, his eyes softening even more as he stares at her.

"For a split second earlier, I thought I was going to die." She confesses. "And it would really suck if something happened to me and you didn't know how I feel about you. So, I love you Jay. So much."

His face breaks into a full-fledged grin as he scoots closer to her on the bench. He brings his face close to hers, their noses touching and their lips just inches away from each other. He closes the distance to kiss her, stealing the breath from her mouth and making her forget all about the pain in her chest.

"I love you, too." He breathes as he pulls back. "God, I love you, Erin."

She grins at him, not even caring about how lovesick she must look right now. He loves her like she loves him and nothing else matters.

Until the twinge in her ribs reappears and she gasps slightly, slumping forward in pain. Jay's hands are there, holding her, protecting her.

"Come on." He whispers into her hair, helping her up from the bench. He keeps an arm wrapped around her back as they head out.

/

A couple of hours later they're settled at her apartment, cuddled up on the couch, bowls empty of their Chinese food resting on the coffee table. One thing that had amazed him when they'd gotten together was just how affectionate Erin is as a girlfriend. Sure, she's very strict about public displays of affection, especially at work, but he understands why she feels that way. When they're alone however, she's always near him, particularly after tough days like today.

She's dosing against his chest, her face tucked into his shoulder. Will had done an x-ray of her ribs and concluded that none were broken, but she would have some serious bruises for the next few weeks. He'd given her some pain meds, which had helped her relax, especially once she and Jay had returned home. She'd been reluctant to take them, but had admitted she really was in pain, and had entrusted them to Jay with his sincere promise to guard them. Even though she was much better than she had been all those months ago, she was still wary around any form of medication. She trusted Jay to watch over her though, and had let herself relax into him, glad that she'd listened to him and Will.

He looks down at her, smiling softly and pressing a gentle kiss to her temple. She definitely scared him today, but her body against his and the confession of her feelings that she'd spoken a while ago were soothing his still on edge nerves.

"I love you." He whispers into her hair. Now that she's said it and he's assured her that he feels the same, he doubts he'll go too long without saying the words ever again.

"Love you too." She murmurs against the skin of his neck.

"Get some rest, baby." He whispers, carefully manoeuvring them so that he's laid out on the couch with her body on top of his, draped carefully to avid too much pressure on her injury. She wiggles for a moment, finding the right spot to rest, before relaxing against him once more.

He stays awake with the television playing softly in the background, content to just watch her sleep, studying the even rise and fall of her chest. He presses another kiss to her forehead, then finally allows his eyes to slip closed.


	3. Part 3

_Hey again! I just can't seem to stop writing Linstead scenes in this dang locker room hahaha. I had this idea almost as soon as I published the last chapter, even though I marked it as complete. It took awhile to write because work has been crazy, but I finally got around to it and really enjoyed writing it. I hope you guys like it too! Please review and let me know your thoughts. I'm going to mark this as complete again, but you never know! ;)_

/

That locker room sure has seen a few things from each member of Intelligence. It isn't just a place to decompress, or get changed to go home. For Jay Halstead, it's the place where Erin Lindsay agrees to marry him.

It's been a long week for the Intelligence Unit. They've been chasing a serial killer who's killing teenage girls, the kind of case that leaves a bitter taste in their mouths and causes tensions to run high. They've had a week full of long nights and early mornings, searching for clues and chasing down leads.

Jay walks over to Erin's desk and places a hot cup of coffee next to her hand. She looks up from her computer in surprise, and shoots him a small but genuine smile, thanking him with her eyes. He nods and smiles a _you're welcome_ back at her before heading to his own desk.

Only minutes later, Mouse runs into the room. "Got him!" He gasps, holding up his iPad with a flashing light that must indicate where Connors is.

Voight strides out of his office at the noise, quickly confirming with Mouse before barking "Gear up!" to the team.

Jay and Erin both push themselves from their desk chairs and hurry down to roll up. Once down there, they help each other secure their vests and grab their guns, heading straight for the 300.

Twenty minutes later the entire squad is assembled outside a large, abandoned warehouse.

"Alright, we need to get this guy." Voight emphasises. "His days of hurting young girls are over. We know that he does not care about who he takes down, so everyone, be careful in there. Got it?"

Everyone nods. They all want this bastard taken down just as much as he does.

"Then let's get this son of a bitch."

Lindsay, Halstead, Olinsky and Ruzek take the back entrance, while Voight, Dawson and Atwater cover the front.

Jay knocks the door down on their end, and they all rush in, timed perfectly with the guys at the other end.

"Chicago PD!"

The warehouse is large and open, with only stacks of boxes providing a few hiding places. The team manoeuvres around carefully, searching for Connors. Suddenly, a shot rings out and echoes throughout the warehouse, sending everyone diving for cover where they can find it.

Erin ends up opposite Jay, a small, uncovered path separating them as they bend behind a short stack of boxes each. They both take turns aiming for Connors.

Erin watches as Jay takes a shot, bending around the side of the pile. A sound behind them pulls his attention, and he whirls around with his gun still outstretched. Erin peers around the corner to cover what Jay has moved from. As she does, Connors materialises with his gun, ready to take out Jay in that moment.

"Jay!" Erin screams in warning. Her partner looks around at the last second, but she's already thrown herself at him, knocking him off balance so that they both fall in a heap on the hard concrete, narrowly dodging the bullet that flies past their heads.

"You okay?" Jay yells from his position a few feet over.

"Yeah. You?" She calls back.

All of a sudden, Connor is standing above her, and she doesn't have a moment to move before he's hauling her off the ground. Erin Lindsay may be a fighter, but she's also tiny and against a man who's at least twice her height and weight.

Jay's eyes widen as he watches their perp spin his partner around so he's using her as a shield for his body, then points his gun into her side. Within a split second he's on his feet, aiming his gun at the man. Silence falls over the warehouse as the unit realises what's happened, and bullets stop flying.

"You don't want to do this." Voight cautions the man as he moves closer to him and Erin, his hand outstretched. He's using his deathly quiet voice; the one that his unit knows is the most dangerous of all.

"I think I do." Connors sneers back at him, watching the faces of every detective in front of them, each with their guns raised and aimed at him. "We all know I'm going down for this anyway, might as well take a cop with me. Especially since this one is so pretty. I clearly picked the prize from this team."

Jay sees red as the murderer talks about his girlfriend, taunts him with her life. Jay's a cop who will do anything for the city he serves, but all of that pales in comparison to the woman he loves.

"One last chance." Voight tries again. "Let her go, and we'll let you walk outta here unharmed."

Connors scoffs. "Yeah right. We all know none of you will do anything when she's standing right here with me. She's all the insurance I need. So, I think we'll be leaving now."

Jay's completely focused on Erin, trusting the rest of the team to watch Connors. Erin holds his eyes, and gives him the tiniest nod, almost unnoticeable. He waits as she shifts her left leg slightly, creating the slightest gap for him to use. He lines up the shot, and takes it, just as Erin elbows the large man in the arm, causing his gun to fly from his grasp.

The loud gunshot sound fills the large warehouse, and a second later; Connors is sprawled on the floor, clutching at his leg. His fall to the ground takes Erin with him, who rolls away as soon as she hits the concrete, getting as far away from the crazed murderer as she can.

The squad rushes in, Voight kicking the face of the man who tried to hurt his daughter, with Olinsky grabbing his arms and cuffing him.

Jay has no idea how he makes it to her first, but he does and he's picking her up off the ground, scanning her for injuries, making sure his bullet didn't clip her on its way to the target.

"Are you okay?" He asks frantically, his arms sweeping over her.

Erin gasps, still full of adrenaline, and leans into him slightly. They're still in the field, so she can't break their professional demeanour, but she doesn't want to care right now. All she wants is his arms around her.

"I'm fine." She nods, gripping his forearms with her hands. "I'm okay."

"Thank god." He whispers so that only she can hear him.

/

They head back to the district, and for once, she lets him drive. Of course, he's too worked up to even crack a joke about her place in the passenger seat. All he can do is grip her thigh with his free hand, reassuring himself that she's fine. Erin understands, and simply places her hand over his, rubbing circles with her thumb to soothe his tension.

Voight calls Erin into his office to check up on her as soon as they get back. Jay leaves her with her father figure, and heads into the locker room, needing a moment to calm down.

Thankfully, the room is silent and empty as he enters. He sits on the bench for a moment, dropping his head to his hands. He's only still for a moment before he's jolting up, and punching the locker in front of him as hard as he can. He aims a few good kicks at the blue metal as well, stopping when his ragged breathing fills his ears. He rubs at his face, heading over to the sink to try and calm down. The fact that she had been put in that very situation because she'd pushed him out of a bullet's way has not escaped his mind. In fact, it's all he can focus on.

He takes a few deep breaths before splashing some water on his face.

 _She's okay_ , he repeats to himself in his mind. _She's okay_.

Quiet footsteps behind him catch his attention immediately. He turns around to find Erin standing in the doorway. He takes three steps towards her as she does the same, and all of a sudden she's in his arms, just like he wanted her to be back at the scene.

He runs his hands over her hair and across her back, murmuring to her softly as she buries her face in his neck.

"You're okay. I've got you, you're okay."

She gasps a few times and nods against his chest, her hands still gripping at the back of his shirt.

She pulls away a few minutes later, her face red but dry. He smiles softly at her and takes her hand, tugging her down to sit on the bench, knowing the adrenaline would have well and truly worn off by now. She rests her head on his shoulder again and allows her eyes to fall closed.

They sit in silence for a few more minutes, before Jay wraps an arm around her back, tugging her closer to his body. He needs her closer, and yet it's still not close enough.

Her sharp gasp stops him in his tracks, and his eyes fly to her face, catching her wince. She sees the concern in his eyes, and rushes to reassure him.

"It's just a few bruises, I've had worse." She promises.

His hands settle on her hips, lingering at the hem of her shirt. She nods silently, giving him the permission he's seeking.

He gently lifts her shirt, inspecting each bruise that's already starting to form on her torso. Each mark reminds him just how close he came to losing her.

"Stop." She orders gently, running her hand through his hair. She knows exactly where his mind has gone. "I'm fine, I promise. You made sure of that."

His face lifts to meet hers, and she's shocked by just how much torment is obvious in his eyes.

"I almost lost you." He chokes out.

Her arms fly around him, bruises be damned, and now she's the one comforting him. They're surrounded by death every day, but there are some days where it hits way too close to home.

"You didn't lose me, babe." She murmurs. "You saved me."

"All I could think was that I couldn't let him kill you. And then when I took the shot, I realised it'd be even worse if my bullet hit you."

"I know it wouldn't." She reassures him. "I know I can always trust you."

"It wouldn't have even happened if I'd been watching him properly." Jay mutters.

She sighs gently, running her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. She knew he'd find a way to blame himself.

"You don't know that." She says soothingly. "He could have got me some other way. We just don't know."

"If you hadn't needed to save me, it would've been different."

"Yeah, it could have gone a million different ways, Jay, but we can't think about that. I'm fine. I had your back and you had mine. That's what we do. It's what partners are for." She says gently, but firmly.

He pulls himself back up so that they're facing each other again. He gives her a soft smile, and brings a hand up to cup her cheek, silently thanking her. She nods in return, smiling back at him.

"You're the most important person in my life, Erin." He tells her, the most serious he's ever been.

She grips his hands between hers. "So are you, Jay."

He leans forward to press his lips against hers.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." He murmurs.

"I can't promise that won't happen." She whispers back.

He nods. "I know. But I will do everything in my power to make sure it never happens."

She nods as well. "Me too."

His heart swells as he stares at her, his girl, so beautiful and fierce. She's all he's ever wanted, all he'll ever want.

"Marry me."

The words fall from his lips before he realises he's saying them, but he knows that he meant to say them.

Her eyes widen slightly. "What?"

"Marry me." He says again, this time more confidently.

She still doesn't say anything, and his heart clenches when he sees the vulnerability in her expression.

"Jay we've had a hard day, and I wouldn't want you to say something you'll regret later." She says softly, avoiding his gaze.

His heart jumps at her words. Doesn't she understand he could never regret her?

"No, no." He rushes. "I would never regret this Erin, I promise. And this isn't some spur of the moment thing. Hang on." He leaps up from the bench and darts towards his locker, quickly throwing it open and searching for something. If it weren't such a serious situation, it would actually be quite amusing.

Erin watches as he comes back over to her, and her eyes widen again as he drops to one knee in front of the bench.

He reveals a small blue box in his hands, and pulls it open to reveal a platinum band with small diamonds adorning it. It's perfect, not too flashy, and very her. Her heart jumps when she realises he's had a ring for some time, and kept it here at work. Was it so she wouldn't find it at home? Or had he been waiting for the right moment?

She lifts her focus from the ring to him, and is struck by the intensity of his gaze. Never, in all the years she has known and loved him, has she ever seen him look at her like this. There's love and hope and sincerity written across his face, which seems to hold a promise for her.

"Erin, you are the most amazing, frustrating, beautiful, kind hearted person I have ever met. Every inch that you made me work for to get to know you better was worth it, because I can't imagine my life without you. And I've been holding onto this ring for weeks, waiting for the right moment. Today was just another reminder of how quickly things can happen, and I don't want to waste another second of it. I can't wait any longer, because I love you Erin, more than anything in this world."

Struck by the sincerity in his voice, and the beauty of his words, she leans in to kiss him, letting her lips linger before pulling away.

"That was the corniest, but sweetest thing I have ever heard." She smiles. "And I loved it."

"So, is that a yes?" Jay asks, a hint of nervousness in his voice.

She grins at him. "Say it again." She prompts softly.

He smiles, and takes one of her hands in his. "Erin Lindsay, will you marry me?"

"Hell yes, Jay Halstead."

This time he leans in to kiss her, struck by emotion in a way he's never been before. He's kneeling on the floor of a not so clean locker room, but he doesn't care because Erin Lindsay is going to be his wife, and nothing else matters.


	4. Part 4

_Yep, here I am again. I just can't stop! Many thanks to robinscorpiofan for the idea for this one, as soon as she sent it my mind took off running, and I couldn't stop until it was done. The timeline of this could be a bit confusing, as it's set at the end of 3x23, after Justin's death. At this point, we know Erin and Jay haven't said they love each other yet, but they have in this story, so I have chosen to ignore canon for a moment (even though I love how the show handled it in 3x02). Despite that, these moments are not necessarily in order, as the chapter before this shows them getting engaged, and they are not engaged here. Try not to think about it too much, and take this as what it is; fiction._

 _Also, it is lovely to see this story getting so many follows and favourites, which I really appreciate, however the reviews number is not as high. If you could find the time to leave a comment, even a very short one, I would be very grateful. Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoy!_

/

The locker room isn't always filled with romantic moments, or even just the humdrum of their usual work days. All too often, grief and loss are a part of their lives, and the locker room provides more privacy than the bullpen or the break room. Privacy needed to take a moment. Privacy to break down.

Erin sits on the bench, facing away from the door. She's not quite sure how she made it back to the district, why she didn't just go home and bury herself under the covers of her bed. She's not sure of anything at this moment, except the weight in her chest that's trying to pull her under. She wants nothing more than to give in to that pain, but she can't.

She closes her eyes to trap the tears that are threatening to break free. She needs to leave, get far away from this place. Far away from any thoughts of Hank, and by association, Justin.

"Lindsay?"

A soft voice jolts her to attention, but she doesn't turn to face it.

Kim makes her way over to her, entering her field of vision. The younger woman's face softens at the sight of Erin, and she knows she must look like she's barely holding it together.

"I'm so sorry, Erin." Kim says softly.

All she can do is nod, not trusting herself to make any sort of noise for fear of what will tumble from her mouth.

Kim hesitates for a moment. "Do you need anything?"

She struggles, trying to swallow the lump in her throat in an attempt to form a word.

"Jay."

Her voice doesn't sound anything like her usual self, but Kim's face holds zero judgement. She simply nods, and hurries from the room.

Erin grips the hard bench below her as she waits. She has no idea if Jay's even back yet, but she knows she needs him if she wants to keep herself from drowning.

She doesn't have to wait long. She recognises the sound of his footsteps instantly, her body relaxing only slightly at the knowledge that he's here.

"Erin?"

His voice is almost frantic, obviously due to the fact that she'd gone off without him even though she's sworn to him that she won't do that anymore. She deserves his frustration, but silently hopes he won't give it to her.

Within a moment he's beside her, pulling her body towards him, halting suddenly when he catches sight of her ashen face, the dried tear tracks on her cheeks and moisture still in her eyes.

"Erin?" He gasps.

"I'm sorry." The words bubble up out of her chest with a harsh sob as she falls into him. "I'm sorry."

He catches her effortlessly, holding her tighter than he ever has before. "It's okay." He whispers into her hair. "You don't need to apologise for anything."

"But I do. I went off again without you, even though I promised I wouldn't. I couldn't tell you what I was doing because I didn't want to believe it myself." She presses her face into his strong chest.

"I know, babe. I know."

"And Justin." She cries. "My little brother, he's gone."

"I know Erin, I'm so sorry." She can hear the emotion in his voice as he somehow holds her even tighter.

"It's not fair. It's not fair."

She can't remember ever crying this hard before. Even when Nadia died, she barely cried, choosing to drown her sorrows with substances. But now, she can't stop herself, the sobs coming from deep inside her chest.

"Make it stop, Jay, please, make it stop." She sobs, unable to witness the flash of despair that crosses her boyfriend's face.

"I'm sorry, Erin, I'm so sorry." He chokes out.

"I tried to stop him." She continues, the words spilling out of her mouth faster than she can stop them. "I tried so hard, I told him Justin wouldn't want him to do it, but he did it anyway."

Jay's chest clenches at the fact that not only has Voight done what he'd been expecting, but also that Erin had basically seen it happen. She'd stood in the rain, begging with him, and was now falling to pieces in a way that he'd never seen before.

Her ragged breathing pulls his attention back to her.

"Hey, Erin, you've gotta breathe for me. Come on, deep breaths." He prompts her with his own breathing, hoping she'll copy him.

She manages to follow his lead to get her breathing under control, tears still leaking into his shirt.

After what feels like a lifetime, but is probably only a few minutes, she pulls back from his chest, allowing her face to meet his. Her face is red, and her eyes filled with so much pain that it takes his breath away.

"He's gone." She whispers, her eyes falling to the bench below them.

"I know." He whispers back, not sure what else to say.

"He was just trying to help a friend. He didn't do anything wrong, and now his son is going to grow up without a father. He tried so hard, and he turned his life around and he didn't deserve this." She continues, not even hearing Jay's attempts to comfort her. "Hank's already lost Camille, and now Justin's gone too."

Jay can hear the words she isn't saying, he knows her so well. She's lost another person too. He can't begin to comprehend why someone as amazing as her has to suffer through so much. He's always felt confident in his abilities to make Erin feel better, but there's nothing he can say right now to make the pain go away.

"I don't know what to say to you." He whispers, stroking one hand through her still damp hair.

She manages to raise her head to lock her eyes on his.

"I don't think there's anything you can say." She says in a defeated tone.

His heart jumps as his mind goes back to just after Nadia died, when he wishes he'd done more to help her, wishes she had let him in. There's no way in hell he's going to let anything like that happen again.

"Erin," he grips her forearms and tilts his head to look at her seriously. "I know there's nothing I can do to change what's happened, but I am here for you. Please let me help you. I don't want to lose you as well."

Her heart tightens at the sight of her partner, this beautiful man who is begging for her to let him in. The pain she's feeling is so strong, but there's no way she could ever put Jay through what she did after Nadia, again.

She wraps her arms around his neck, pulling him to her and letting her face fall to the curve of his shoulder.

"Okay."

It's a whisper, but she knows that it's enough for Jay. Her thought is confirmed when his arms tighten around her in response.

"You're the only one I can really trust, Jay." Her murmur is so quiet that if she weren't right below his ear, he wouldn't hear her. It doesn't matter how quiet she is, he knows the true weight of her words.

He kisses the top of her head and holds her until she makes a move to pull away. His hand cups her cheek gently when she does.

"What do you want to do?"

She sighs heavily. "I know I should go be with Hank, but I can't be near him right now. Not when I know what he's done."

"Then let's go home." Jay urges. All he wants to do is get her home safe, away from the district and all signs of her brother's case.

She looks at him hesitantly. "I really should check on Olive and Daniel …"

"You're no good to them when you're exhausted." He reasons. "It'll still hurt tomorrow, but it'll be easier to make some decisions after you've slept. Let me take you home, and we'll go see them in the morning."

She doesn't miss his use of 'me' and 'we', and gives him a small smile. What would she ever do without him?

"Okay." She agrees quietly.

She lets him pull her up from the bench, and tuck her against his side as they turn to leave the locker room. She never allows so much affection at work, but she honestly doesn't care right now.

He takes her home, helps her shower, and tucks her under the thick covers, cuddled into his side. As she nuzzles her face against his strong chest, she realises that he's easing the pain slightly in a way that the drinks and pills never did.

"I love you, Jay." She whispers into the dark.

She feels his arms tighten around her. "I love you too, Erin."

She lets her eyes fall closed, trying to erase the thoughts of the day from her mind. She'll deal with it all tomorrow, and Jay will help her. That's what partners are for.


	5. Part 5

_Back again! This is a fairly short one, and I tried something a little bit different with this one, making it more about the possibility of Jay getting hurt, since I tend to write Erin getting hurt way more haha. There's at least two more parts left to this story, so I hope people are enjoying it. It's the best feeling to see how many follows and favourites this story has (probably the most of all of my stories!), so please let me know your thoughts. I also have the next one finished already, so the more reviews I get, the faster I will get the next part up! Hope you enjoy._

/

The locker room is typically the quietest area of the 21st District. It's less populated than the bull pen or break room, making it the perfect location for a quiet moment. Unless of course, you're using it to work out some anger issues.

The sound of the blue metal echoes throughout the room as Erin kicks her foot against one of the lockers in frustration. No, anger. She's pissed as hell and unfortunately the locker is taking the brunt of it.

Quiet footsteps alert her to a presence in the doorway. She knows it's not him, but damn it, she does not want to talk to him right now.

"Go away, Jay." She practically growls. She can't remember the last time she spoke to him like that, or the last time she'd been so angry with him. Who cares though? It's all his fault.

"Everyone can hear you out there, you know." He points out. "They're all too scared to come in here."

"And yet, here you are." She points out, folding her arms over her chest.

"Well, yeah, someone has to talk to you when you're being unreasonable."

"Oh yeah, that's great, Jay, dig an even bigger hole for yourself!" Her sarcastic tone fills the room.

"What the hell are you so angry about?" He demands. "We got the guy, everything went well."

"You just don't get it, Jay!" She yells. "You could have been killed out there!"

He'd been so stupid! One moment they'd been in the midst of a regular bust, and the next thing she'd seen was her partner skidding across the floor, knocking Ruzek out of the way from their perp who had his gun aimed at him. He had run in the path of a bullet, narrowly avoiding a major injury, and he still can't understand why she's so upset?

"Newsflash, Erin, we could be killed any day in this job!" He throws back. "But I wasn't, and we're all fine. I don't understand why you're so pissed at me."

"You don't get it." She laughs, somewhat bitterly. "Because you're only thinking about yourself."

"What are you talking about? I'm pretty sure I was thinking about this unit, like we're supposed to. I'm pretty sure I was thinking about Adam when that guy was pointing a gun at him!"

"Exactly! You were thinking about everyone other than yourself! Look at you Jay!" She gestures at his bandaged forearm. "You could have gotten yourself killed!"

"It's just a scrape." He stares at her. "Not even a flesh wound." He's been in much worse shape before, and he doesn't understand why she's making such a big deal out of it.

"Because you got lucky! It could have been so much worse, Jay. You went off without backup, how stupid can you be?"

"I don't know, you tell me."

Silence falls over the locker room, Erin's face set in a hardened stare.

"That's not fair." She says, deathly quiet.

"Well, it's true, Erin. How many times have you gone off without me?" He retorts.

She stares at him, her eyes taking on an unfamiliar quality, one that has him scrunching his forehead at her in confusion.

"So you ran in front of a bullet to prove a point?" Her voice is even raspier than usual.

"No, Erin, of course I didn't. But let's not forget you've done stuff like this plenty of times before."

"It's not the same, and you know it! Besides, I stopped doing that because you asked me to, and I care about your feelings." She snaps at him.

"Erin, you know this is how the job is." He tries to calm his tone. "I didn't do anything I shouldn't have."

"Except put yourself in harm's way without thinking of the consequences!"

"Why are you so hung up on this?" He says frustratingly.

"Because I can't lose you, too!"

Her words reverberate off of the metal lockers, filling the room. He's pretty sure they can hear her out in the bullpen, but he doesn't care. His mouth hangs open slightly as he stares at her, wishing he could erase the awful expression that she's wearing on her face.

"Erin …" His breath hitches as he realises she's trying to avoid his gaze, to hide her watery eyes from him. Because if there's one thing Erin Lindsay hates the most, it's appearing weak in front of people, even him.

"Every time you put yourself in harm's way when it's not completely necessary, you make me think about what my life would be like without you, and I know that's not a life I want any part of. You're not just you anymore; Jay, and I don't think you get it. I barely survived Nadia dying, and Justin. But if anything ever happened to you, that would be it for me. I don't know how there'd be any coming back from that."

Her eyes are still avoiding his, and her voice is unsteady with emotion, but genuine. His heart lurches at the vulnerability that's evident on her face.

"Erin." He takes a few steps towards her.

Her eyes finally rise to meet his. "You scared me, Jay."

All of a sudden, he's striding the last few steps to her, and she's in his arms, gripping at the back of his shirt with her fists.

"I'm sorry." He breathes into her hair. "I wasn't thinking."

She sighs a deep, shuddery breath into his shoulder.

"I know our job is dangerous, I know that. It usually doesn't bother me, because you're my partner, and it's my job to look out for you. But when you go off without me, I can't do anything. I can't stop anything that might happen. Maybe it's selfish, but I need you to be safe."

"I'm okay, babe, I'm okay." He soothes her gently.

"Yeah, but one day you might not be. I don't know what I'd do without you, Jay."

"I don't know what I'd do without you either, Erin." He admits softly.

He sits on the bench behind them and tugs on her hand gently until she comes to sit beside him. She immediately leans her head down to rest on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry I yelled at you." He says softly, running a hand across her back.

She sighs. "Me too. Except I'd do it again for you to see reason."

He chuckles. "Fair enough. I will be more careful though, and think things through a bit more."

"I don't want you to feel like I want you to do this job any less than you should." Erin lifts her head to face him. "I just need you to be less reckless."

He presses a kiss to her forehead. "Done."

"Really?" She asks, apprehension clear in her voice.

He nods firmly. "I know what it feels like to think about my life without you, how scary it is to see you in danger. I don't want you to feel that unnecessarily. Since you promised not to go off without backup, and you've stuck to it, I promise to be a little more cautious."

Erin doesn't even realise how much she needs to hear that until he says it and her heart lifts a bit.

"Thanks, Jay." She whispers in response.

"Anything for you, baby."

His voice is sincere, and she knows that he understands now. She's never been so glad that she's learnt to open up to him.

"Are you sure you're okay?" She asks, running her hand over his bandage carefully.

"Nothing more than a sting, I promise."

She nods. "Good."

She rises from the bench to stand before him. "That means you can't use your injury to get out of doing the dishes tonight!" She says with a smirk.

He stares back at her with his mouth hanging open. "Excuse you, I am in a delicate state here!"

She laughs as she grabs his hand and pulls until he stands too.

"Poor baby." She says with fake sympathy. "Let me take you home and make you feel better."

"Now that's more like it!" Jay says with a raised eyebrow, loving the laugh she gives him in response.

He lets her pull him from the locker room, so they can collect their things and head home. He knows he'll do whatever she asks him, for a life without Erin Lindsay isn't one he wants to consider either.


	6. Part 6

_Thank you for the reviews on the last chapter. I basically never update this frequently, but this chapter was ready to go and I just felt like publishing it quickly. I know there are heaps of post 4.14 story already, but I haven't seen any do it this way before, so I've given it a go. I have already written a post Yates story that I published back in February, but that was written in speculation before the episode aired, and having just rewatched it, I had an idea to go at it from another point of view. I don't like the lack of Erin and Jay interaction at the end of the episode, and Erin sitting all alone in the locker room makes me think of this story. So here you go! I hope you enjoy this one, please leave a review to let me know your thoughts._

/

Jay's heart is still beating much too fast inside his chest as they arrive back at the district. He's been on edge all day, watching Yates toy with Erin, watching it turn his partner into a fired up, barely controlled mess. He'd agreed with Voight a hundred percent when the sergeant had insisted on leaving her behind while they went to find Yates, but it had hurt seeing the look on her face as he had walked out of roll up.

His heart had dropped when Voight's voice had come over the radio, telling them that he was headed to find Erin, who was with Yates. They'd had the wrong location, and she'd gone after him after realising. He knows she's ok; Voight had radioed back in after everything had gone down, but he needs to see her, needs to hold her in his arms to know for certain that she's alright. He knows that even if she isn't hurt physically, her head will be a mess.

They finally arrive, and he's jumping from the car and bounding upstairs before the others can even move. No one even tries to follow him as he makes his way into the bullpen.

"Where is she?" Jay demands as soon as he spots Voight in the otherwise abandoned room.

"Locker room." His boss jerks his head in that direction.

As Jay moves past him to find his girl, the older man's hand reaches out to catch his arm.

"Hey." The gruff voice of Hank Voight will always make him stop. "You look after her, you hear? She really needs you right now."

He nods at his sergeant. "Always."

As quickly as the exchange began, it's over, and he's striding towards the locker room, unsure of how he'll find his partner when he enters.

He stops in the doorway at the sight of her, slumped over her knees as she sits on the bench.

"Hey." He says softly, not wanting to startle her.

"Hey."

She doesn't meet his eyes, just keeps staring at the floor from her position on the bench.

"I would apologise for going off without backup again, but I can't do that." She says, so quietly. The promise she made to him only months ago occurred to her after it was over, but she knows she wouldn't have done anything differently.

Jay moves closer to her. "I know. I get it."

She lifts her head, finally meeting his eyes. Her body sags slightly with relief when she sees understanding in his eyes, and she knows he'll forgive her for breaking her promise.

"I killed him."

There's no tears, or anger, but a strange quality in her voice and a look in her eyes he's never seen or heard before.

He stops just in front of her, bobbing down to the ground so his face is level with hers.

"I know. And I'm glad you did, because you stopped him from hurting you, or anyone else, ever again."

She takes a deep breath. "So does that mean I'm not a horrible person for being glad it was me?"

He shakes his head vehemently. "No, Erin, not at all. He hurt so many people, and he could have hurt you. I'm just so glad he didn't."

She nods slowly, a stray tear running down her cheek. He reaches a hand up to cup her face, his thumb brushing the moisture away.

"Hey," he whispers. "You're okay."

She shakes her head sadly. "He still killed all those women. All those nurses, his father … His poor mother and sister."

"I know. Nothing will ever make that better, but Erin; you got justice for them today. You know that's all we can do sometimes."

Their job is tough, and sometimes they all need the reminder. She nods at him, gripping his spare hand with hers in silent thanks.

He nods, and drops the hand that's on her cheek down to her injured knee. He rubs a gentle thumb over the denim covered joint.

"How's your knee?" He asks, changing the subject. He knows she'd rather not break down here if she can help it, that she won't feel comfortable until they're home.

"Yeah, it's alright. I haven't really thought about it."

Jay nods. "We should probably get it checked out tomorrow."

She shrugs. "Okay."

"Do you want to go home?" Jay asks.

He grips her legs tightly when a shudder runs through her body.

"What?" He asks in confusion.

"He um, he was there. At my place."

Jay mentally chastises himself. Of course she'd feel uncomfortable. It'd been such a long day, he's completely forgotten finding Nellie Carter in Erin's apartment, or that Yates had been the one to take her there.

"I'm sorry, I forgot." He says regretfully. "We can stay at mine if you want?"

She shakes her head firmly. "No, I'm going to let him run me out of my house."

"You wouldn't be." Jay reassures her. "It'd just be for tonight. Come on, my place isn't that bad." He jokes.

She cracks a small smile. "That's not it. I just need to feel safe there, and if I put it off, I don't think I'll be able to. I just need to get it over with. As long as you're there with me?"

She looks so hesitant that he rushes to answer, wanting to remove that unsure, vulnerable look from her face.

"Of course, babe. Just let me know when you want to go."

"In a minute, I think. I just need to sit here a bit longer."

Jay nods in understanding. "Okay. Well I'm going to go give Ruzek a hand, and you come out when you're ready, okay?"

At her nod, he starts to get up, but she places her hands on his shoulders to stop him before he can move. He gives her a confused look, until she leans forward to wrap his arms around his neck. He hugs her back instantly, running a hand through her hair.

He doesn't let go until she does, and he gives her a soft smile, before planting his lips on her in a short, quick kiss. He finally stands, and squeezes her hand before turning to leave. She's not shutting him out, she just needs a moment to compartmentalise, and he understands that.

/

When she finally leaves the locker room and makes her way back to the bullpen, Jay is taking down the murder board along with Ruzek. Seeing Adam holding Nadia's picture propels her forward.

"Hey. Can I have that?" She asks softly.

He nods, handing it to her, and then squeezing her arm in comfort. She smiles at her friend, thanking him with her eyes.

She can feel Jay's eyes on her from his place behind her, and she can feel them follow her as she moves over to her desk. When she turns around, he's there, the look on his face so full of concern that she wants to burrow herself into his arms again. Of course, she'd never do that out here, with Voight and everyone else watching. She can fall apart when she gets home.

"And you? You doing okay?" He asks, needing to check up on her even after spending only ten minutes apart.

She looks at him. "I don't know yet." She says honestly.

He nods, and turns back to the whiteboard without a word. She knows he's giving her time to process, and she loves that about him. He's learnt when the time is to push and when to leave her to her thoughts.

Benson makes her way over to Erin's desk until she's standing in front of her. The two women talk for a few moments before Benson makes her way down the stairs, and Erin turns back to Jay.

"Olivia's asked me to go for a drink with her. She wants to talk to me about today."

He nods, wishing he could just take her home, but knowing she needs this. She's exhausted, and barely holding it together, but it might be good for her to debrief with the older cop.

"I'll wait for you at your place?" He asks, not really needing an answer.

She nods, and a hint of a smile makes its way across her lips. She leans up to press a kiss to his cheek, more than she'll usually ever allow at work.

"Thank you."

She makes her way over to Voight, who's been standing by his door, watching them. She hugs her father figure, nodding in response as he whispers something to her. She pulls back and makes her way down the stairs after Benson.

Jay turns back to the board, quickly finishing his task so that he can get back home and wait for her.

/

Erin is only out with Olivia for a short time, and Jay doesn't have to wait very long for her to get back. While he waits, he takes it upon himself to straighten up her apartment after the events of the day, rearranging objects so that they're back in their original places that he knows so well. He doesn't want her to have to think about Yates any more than is necessary.

He hears the door open quietly, and turns his head from his position on the couch to watch her enter. Her shoulders are slumped with the weight of the last few days, her face pale and her movements slow.

He stands to meet her, not even bothering to sit her on the couch. He leads her into her bedroom, and finds something for her to wear to sleep while she showers. Before long, she's crawling under the covers and he changes into sweatpants and a t-shirt to join her. She's instantly curling into his chest, and his hand falls to her hair, stroking comfortingly.

"He was trying to get into my head." She says into the quiet air of the room. "Talking about how we're the same, messed up childhoods and all that."

"You know that's total bull, right?" He says quickly.

Her silence worries him.

"I do." She finally answers. "But it's hard to remember sometimes."

"Well, I'll always be here to remind you." He promises. "It'll seem better in the morning."

She nods slowly, before turning her head to face him.

"Thanks for being here."

He presses a kiss to her forehead. "Always."

Exhaustion claims her quickly, but Jay lies awake, watching her chest rise and fall with her breaths, studying her face, which is peaceful in her sleep. He can't even begin to describe how glad he is that this whole mess with Yates is finally over, even if it's taken its toll on Erin. He knows that he'll always be there to help her pick up the pieces.


	7. Part 7

_It's Jay's turn to be comforted in this chapter! I know I've already written a 3.17 chapter (and in this story already, no less), but it's just such an emotional episode that when I rewatched it the other day I got this idea for a different point of the episode than last time. This is set after the final scene of Jay breaking down in the locker room (which I had to watch MANY times in order to write this, and it basically tore my heart out). Thanks to Chicago PD for putting so many vital scenes in that locker room, and therefore making them so relevant for this story haha. And special thanks to TVDarrow for one of the sweetest reviews I've ever gotten! It wouldn't allow me to message you, so thank you so much for such a compliment! I hope you all enjoy this chapter. I never intended this story to go past a one shot, and I'm expecting it to end at ten chapters, which I honestly can't believe. Thanks again for the support._

/

Jay stumbles away from Voight's office, making his way into the locker room. He heads towards the sink, his body on autopilot. He isn't even aware of his movement until he's standing in front of the mirror.

He stares at himself in the mirror as he hunches over the sink, not even recognising his own reflection. The haunted eyes, the cut on his face; such simple things make him feel like he's looking at a total stranger right now. Suddenly, it all hits him. Losing a friend, putting his uniform back on for the first time in years to attend a funeral, Voight's unusually kind words, the fact that he'd almost killed the guy who'd killed Terry. He had been so close to pulling the trigger, and taking a life himself. He doesn't even know who he is right now.

His head bows and he moves away from the sink, collapsing to the ground. He can't look at his reflection anymore.

The tears come hard and fast, heavy gasps bursting from his chest in a way that they haven't for so many years. He can't remember the last time he broke down like this, feeling so helpless and full of guilt. He wishes the ground would open up and swallow him whole, so he wouldn't have to feel this pain.

He's so distraught that he doesn't hear the sound of soft footsteps approaching him, doesn't realise Erin is kneeling beside him until her gentle hand lands on his arm. Her touch pulls his head up, and he can't find the strength to hide his tears before she sees them.

"Erin …" His broken voice doesn't even sound like him. He wishes she would leave, and not have to witness him like this. His beautiful Erin, who has never seen this side of him, doesn't need to be touched by his darkness. He's never broken down in front of anyone like this before, and she shouldn't have to put up with it.

She doesn't say anything, just slips her hand behind his neck, and guides his head forward to rest it in the crook of her shoulder. Her tender actions break the last piece of his resolve, and suddenly he's sobbing and clutching at her sweater with a clenched fist.

She's whispering soothing words to him and running a hand through his hair. He can't concentrate on the words she's saying, but her tone is enough to make him surrender completely.

"It's all my fault, Erin. Terry's dead and it's all my fault."

He feels her hands tighten on him. "No, it is not, Jay. You did everything you could, and none of this is your fault."

"His wife is all alone, and his son is going to grow up without a father because I couldn't save him."

"You did everything you could, Jay." She repeats.

"I almost killed that guy." He barrels on, not even able to hear reason. "I aimed my gun at him, and I swear to God, I almost pulled that trigger. I would have killed him if Alvin hadn't come in the room. How does that make me any better than that guy?"

"Hey." She pulls back so suddenly and her voice is so serious that he has no choice but to meet her eyes. "You are a better guy, Jay. You're the best guy there is. You're hurting and that was clouding your judgement, but I know you wouldn't have killed him. That's not who you are. You did absolutely everything you could for Terry, and he knows that. You can't keep blaming yourself, babe. I know you want to, but none of this is your fault."

He raises his eyes to meet hers. "I couldn't save him."

"I know, babe." She whispers. "I'm so sorry."

"He was just doing his job. And now he'll never get to go home."

"I know." She murmurs, unsure of what else to say. There's nothing she can really say to make it better.

They deal with death and grief every day, but this one is hitting way too close to home, and he can't gain any perspective.

"I'm sorry, Erin." He says softly, turning his head away from her. "You shouldn't have to deal with me, put up with this."

Her heart breaks at the vulnerability in his eyes. He really is convinced that he doesn't deserve her support, even though he's given her his, countless times before.

"Jay." His voice is a whisper on her lips, and she cups his face gently between her palms, shifting his gaze back to hers. "Of course I do. This is what partners are for. This is what girlfriends are for. I'll always be here to support you, just like you always support me. You've shown me how much better it is to let someone in, and I want you to understood that too."

He stares at her, so overcome by her words, and her genuine concern for him.

She leans forward to press her forehead against his. "It's okay not to be strong all the time, Jay." She whispers.

His eyes fall closed again, and he breathes her in, letting her presence and comforting words fill the cracks in his soul.

"Thanks, Erin." He whispers after a few moments of silence.

She gives him a soft smile, with just a hint of sadness. "Always, Jay."

She gently runs her thumb against his cheek, just under the cut on his face.

"Do you want to get out of here?" She asks.

He nods. "Yeah."

She stands first and offers him her hands, helping him up from his position on the floor. She helps him gather his things so they can leave, and as they exit the locker room and make their way through the bullpen, she throws a look to Voight, silently thanking him for the heads up call. Her father figure nods back in return.

/

Erin watches Jay as he sleeps, his face relaxed. She'd stayed wrapped around him all night, running her hand up and down his back until he'd been soothed sleep, before falling asleep herself. She hasn't slept for very long, but she's more concerned with him than herself at the moment. She's very rarely awake before him, so she's choosing to savour the moment, despite the tragedy of the last few days that still hangs over them.

She can't even imagine being in Terry's wife's situation right now. One glance at Jay and her heart fills so much that she can't even begin to imagine losing him. As awful as it is, she's thankful that Jay wasn't the one hurt, or killed, because she's not sure how she would even be alive right now if that had happened.

Seeing him so affected had shocked her in a way that she'd never felt before. Her Jay is so steady and certain; he's always been her rock that she'd never imagined seeing him so vulnerable. She's glad she could be there for him just as he has been for her so many times before, even if the situation is horrible.

She doesn't even realise she's gently stroking his arm until he stirs beside her. She hastily pulls her hand back, but he's already opening his eyes.

"Hey." He says softly.

"Hey." She whispers back. "Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you."

"That's okay." He peers behind her shoulder to see the digits on the alarm clock. "Why aren't you at work?"

"Oh, I um, took a sick day. I wasn't sure if you'd be okay by yourself. Unless you want to be alone, that is." She says uncertainly. This is new territory for them, and she knows that he could shut down, just as she so often used to.

He reaches over to brush his fingers against her cheek. "I want you to stay." He confesses softly.

She nods in surprise, warmth growing in her chest. "Than I'll stay." She promises.

He smiles at her and links his fingers through hers. "Good."

They lie in silence for a while, caressing fingers and occasional kisses filling the time. After awhile, Jay pulls back and fixes Erin with a serious look.

"I wanted to explain something about yesterday." He starts. "About how Brianna's husband made that comment about her talking about me on the phone. I didn't know any of that, and I'd hate for you to think I was hiding it from you …"

Erin's finger comes up to press against his lips and shush him.

"I know, Jay." She says softly. "I trust you. I might not have liked her, or the way she looked at you, but the last few days were not the time to say anything."

"You know I'd never do anything like that to you, right?" He says seriously.

She nods at him with a smile. Her Jay is fiercely loyal and dependable, and she trusts him like she's never trusted a guy before.

"I do, Jay." She reassures him.

He lets out a small sigh of relief. "Okay, good."

She dances her fingers across his cheek and down his arm. "I'm just really glad you're okay."

He smiles at her softly, understanding where her head is. "I know, baby. Me too."

She wiggles closer to his body and wraps her arms back around him, pulling him into her until his head rests below her chin. She holds him like she's protecting him from the world, standing between him and anyone or anything that dares to harm him.

He snuggles against her chest and presses a kiss to her collarbone. He's never depended on anyone like he depends on Erin Lindsay, and he knows he can always count on her to stand beside him, even when the worst happens.


	8. Part 8

_Hi there! I know I haven't updated this in quite awhile, but this time of the year is crazy at work. I haven't had to chance to even watch CPD, let alone do any writing. Today I had the day off though, and after watching some scenes from 4.08 A Shot Heard Around The World, the idea for this chapter popped into my head. I sat down and basically wrote it in half an hour, so I guess the muse was ready to go! I hope you enjoy it._

/

She just needs a minute.

Erin makes her way out of the bullpen and into the locker room. It's been a hell of a day, and she wishes it was over already. A cop killer terrorising Chicago and attacking all that she stands for has left her more than a bit shaky. That's unsettling for her at any time, especially when she stills needs to work and focus on the case. Her job's not done yet.

Responding to that call with Jay, then going to the hospital and having Will tell them that the man had died had been a difficult moment. Entering that alley and watching a fellow officer die right in front of her; she can't think of very many things that she considers worse. She had practically seen the lights go out of the woman's eyes, and she had known straight away that she was gone. But there hadn't been time to think about it, and their need to protect each other, and the city, had taken over instantly. Even though it's been hours since that moment, she can still feel the pounding in her chest, the fear in her throat, and the weight of Jay's firm hand on her shoulder, pulling her away and behind the dumpster. She knows she can take care of herself, and she knows he knows it too, but she always feels safer with him watching her back, just like she does for him. Their partnership is even more important on days like these, where not everyone makes it home.

She falls to the blue bench, leaning forward so that her arms rest at her knees. One hand comes up to scrub tiredly at her face. She loves her job, and she loves protecting her city, but she wishes day like this didn't exist. She can't think about how the families of those fallen officers must be feeling tonight, knowing that their loved ones died because they chose to put themselves on the line for Chicago. It's all so senseless to her.

Not only does Jay's partnership mean everything to her, so does their relationship outside work. The fact that she had begun the day by formally introducing him to her mother, and only a few hours later he had put himself between her and a potential bullet, is still ringing through her mind. Their original reservations towards starting a relationship had stemmed from days like this, not wanting to compromise their work and their partnership by becoming even more important to each other. And while she knows being with him is worth everything and more, the what ifs are still running through her mind.

She sighs heavily and shakes her head quickly, physically trying to remove the thoughts from it. Footsteps from her behind interrupt her. She knows instantly that it's Jay.

His body comes to sit beside her. She turns to face him, taking in his defeated expression. He'd gotten so worked up when they'd returned to the district, and there are still traces of frustration and anger in his eyes, but they've mostly been replaced by sadness and exhaustion.

"You okay?" He asks, the concern thick in his voice.

She brings one arm up to run her thumb over his temple, soothing the worries as best as she can.

"Just needed a minute."

He nods in understanding. After all, he's been through all the same things as she has today.

They fall in to silence, their eyes locked on each other. One of the things she loves most about their relationship is their ability to communicate without words. Not everything needs to be said out loud.

 _I don't know what I'd do if I lost you._

 _I need you to be safe. I need to keep you safe._

He slides closer, causing her to drop her hand from his face. All of a sudden, she's in his arms, and her chest feels even slightly lighter.

She exhales deeply, tucking her face into the crook of his neck. His arms are tight around her, and one hand is tracing a comforting path up and down her back. For a few minutes, she can forget all about their day, and pretend it's just the two of them.

"I love you, Jay." She whispers, not wanting to break the silence of the air around them, but still needing to say it.

"I love you too, Erin." He says back, and she can hear the slightest bit of emotion in his voice.

They're not the kind of couples that says those three words all the time, for they both know it anyway. But days like this bring the need to voice in, just in case.

"You alright?" She asks as they eventually pull away.

He sighs. "Yeah, just can't stop thinking about what else could have happened."

She nods in understanding. "Me too."

He takes her hands in his, and fixes her with the serious look that he uses when her safety is concerned.

"Promise me one thing?" He asks, his voice low and deep.

"Anything." She says instantly.

"I know we already have our don't go in without backup rule again, but today seems like a good day to reaffirm that."

She nods. "I promise."

"And I do, too." He confirms.

They both relax slightly. If anything were to ever happen to either of them, they both know they would need to be there.

"Okay, your turn." Erin says suddenly.

Jay's head tilts slightly in confusion, no idea of what she's about to say.

"I need you to promise that you'll do anything you can to stay with me. Even if something were to happen." She says. She doesn't even care how desperate she sounds, when she can't even begin to think about losing him.

Jay squeezes her hands. "I promise to never leave you, unless it is completely out of my control. And even then, I'll do everything I can to stay." He says firmly.

"Good." She says softly.

"Erin," his voice is still deep. "Promise me, too." He demands.

She can see the pinch of desperation in his eyes, and is reminded of how much this beautiful man loves her. Some days she still can't believe it.

She leans forward to press her forehead against his. "I promise I'll always fight for you."

"Thank you." He whispers, his lips barely in inch from hers. He leans forward slightly to connect his lips with hers, pouring all of his love and fears into the kiss.

Her hands grip at his shoulders, needing him to be closer.

After a long minute, they break apart, realising that they're still at work, where anyone could walk in and find them.

Erin brushes her hair from her face, running a hand across her lips.

"We'd better get back out there." She says.

Jay nods, and stands from the bench first, offering her a hand. She takes it willingly, and follows him from the locker room. It's time to get justice for their fallen officers.


	9. Part 9

_Hi there! Happy New Year! I've actually had a few chapters of this in the works for awhile, but life has been so busy that I haven't' finished them. Then I was just watching the Linstead scenes from the newest episode, 4x11, and someone left a comment asking if I could do a chapter on Erin's dad, so this is where I went with that, since I wish the ending had been different for Erin and Jay. Luckily we have FanFiction for that! I hope you enjoy this, please leave a review because they are very appreciated!_

/

She ends up back at the District after her talk with Annie. She's not sure why, she really should just go home. She cleans up her desk, finding it calming to organise even the tiniest part of her life. At least it's one part she can control. All the while, she doesn't notice Hank is sitting in his office, watching stoically.

She heads into the locker room, making her way to her blue locker and tossing a few things inside. She drops to the bench below. She just needs a minute to not think about anything. She needs to forget how much she wishes Bunny was not in her life, forget the look in Jimmy's eyes when he thought she was in on it. She needs to forget the fact that she'd blamed Jay for just looking out for her. He's the one person who has never disappointed her, and yet she keeps letting him down.

"Everything okay, kid?" Hank's rough voice interrupts her from her thoughts.

She lets out a short, bitter laugh, not even meeting his eyes. "Not really."

He moves to stand closer in her view, leaning against a locker. "Halstead filled me in about Jimmy."

Erin sighs. "Of course he did." She mutters.

"To be fair, I leaned on him a bit, used the whole 'I let you date in my unit' bit. He said I should talk to you."

Erin nods. "He's a good guy. The best. And I blamed him for something that wasn't his fault."

"He's always been good at looking out for you, I'll give him that." Hank admits. "So what happened?"

Erin sighs heavily. "Bunny happened, as usual. Turns out Jimmy's not my father, she claims she didn't know, and I can't give her the benefit of the doubt anymore. Plus I went off at Jay for being the one to tell me, so he probably hates me now."

"Halstead doesn't hate you." Hank chuckles. "I've never seen a guy so hopeless about a girl."

She smiles slightly without thinking, before sobering quickly. "I don't know, I mind have really done it this time. How long will it take for him to get sick of all my crap and find someone who doesn't have drama happening every five minutes?"

Hank sighs and comes to sit beside her on the bench. "I don't think that'll ever happen, Erin. It's obvious how much he loves you."

Erin turns to him. "For how much longer? I just keep fighting and pushing him away, and I do it without even realising. Surely he'd be better off with someone who's less trouble."

"Maybe he would be, but he wants you."

Erin sags at his words, letting her shoulders slump forward. "I don't know why." She mutters.

"Now you listen to me, kid." Hank's voice changes from harsh sergeant to serious and concerned parent. "Jay loves you, and I'm sure he would do anything you want him to. Including ending your relationship, if that's what you really want. But I'm pretty sure that's not it. You can't control all the crap that happens to you Erin, and God knows you've had more than your fair share in life. But Erin," his serious voice brings her eyes back to his. "You can control how you react to it. I know you haven't always had people in your life who stick around."

"Just you, really." She whispers.

Hank nods. "And Jay. He'll stick around, but if you keep pushing him, you're going to give him doubts. Part of being in a relationship is sharing the good and the bad. It's knowing you've got someone to help you through the hard stuff. As long as you're helping him and letting him help you, you can handle all the crap, and so can he. But if you don't give the chance to, he won't."

Erin stares at him. "When did you get so insightful about relationships?"

Hank chuckles. "So many years with Camille, some of it had to stick eventually."

She smiles softly at him. "Thanks, Hank." She leans forward to hug him.

"Go home and make things right, Erin." He tells her. "Oh, and come in a couple of hours later tomorrow, you and Halstead. You could use the rest, you look like crap."

She smiles and rolls her eyes. There's the Hank Voight she knows.

She hurries from the locker room, grabbing her jacket from the back of her chair on the way out.

Jay's the one. He's not stopping her; he's the reason she's sticking around. He's helping her to live the way she wants to. She needs to get home and make sure he knows that.

/

The sound of the door opening catches Jay's attention immediately. He's been sitting in front of the television with his phone in his hand for house now, just waiting for her to come home. A tiny part of him has been worrying that she wouldn't, so the sight of her entering into the hallway causes his shoulders to drop slightly, releasing the tension he's been holding all night.

Erin comes to stand before him, and the two of them stare at each other for a long moment, before she speaks first.

"I'm sorry."

Jay's eyebrows rise. She's typically not the one to apologise first. He takes her in, noticing the dark circles hanging beneath her eyes, her pale face and hunched frame. She looks exhausted, but coherent.

He reaches out a hand to her, which she takes willingly, and pulls her down to sit beside him. He opens his mouth to speak, but is stopped immediately.

"No, please, Jay, let me say this." She begs.

He nods without saying a word.

"I'm sorry. I messed up. You didn't do anything wrong, and I shouldn't have gone off at you. You make me happier than anyone ever has, and I'm sorry that I don't know how to deal with these things without pushing you away." Her voice shakes as she asks for his forgiveness.

He pulls her into his arms because he can't stand not having her close when she's so upset.

"It's okay, Erin." He soothes her, rubbing a hand across her back as he feels her tears leaking into his shirt. Each one is like a knife to his chest, her pain causing him pain.

"No it's not." She gasps, trying to speak through her tears. "I'm just sick of all these things happening when I'm finally happy, and I don't know why you keep putting up with it."

"Hey," he says firmly, pulling back to face her. "I don't put up with anything, Erin. I do it because I love you. I just want to be there for you, with everything, ok?"

"It's just that sometimes I think you'd be better off without me." Her gaze drops to the couch below them at her soft admission.

His chest tightens, as he tries to contain the panicked feeling rising within him. "That is not what I want. Is that what you want?"

Erin brings her eyes back to his, and her chest constricts at his concerned expression. Hank's right. He won't leave her, unless he's sure that it's what she really wants, and he'll fight for her until the last second.

She shakes her head. "No."

The immediate relief in his face is evident, so she keeps going.

"Sometimes I think you'd be better off without me, and sometimes I wish I could get away from everything, but I never want to leave you. And I'm going to work on remembering that, so that when something happens, I won't flip out on you."

He nods slowly. "Thank you. But these things don't happen to you, Erin, they happen to us. I'm in this forever, as long as you want me to be."

She nods in reply. "I do. And so am I."

He smiles at her softly. "And just so you know, I'd live anywhere, as long as I get to be with you."

She smiles back, leaning to rest her head on his shoulder. "I'm good with Chicago, for now, if you are."

They sit together in silence for a few minutes, before Jay dares to bring it up.

"So what happened after you left the District?" He asks, wanting to know where she's been all day.

He feels her body tense against his, before relaxing as she sighs heavily. "I went to see Bunny. She swears she didn't know Jimmy wasn't my father, but she still wanted to know who ran the DNA test."

"That explains why she showed up at the District, demanding to talk to Hank." Jay fills her in.

"I guess so. She wanted me not to tell Jimmy, so I lost it at her."

"She deserved it." He reassures her. "Did you tell him?"

"Yeah, I did. He deserved to know. But, ah …" Her voice trails off for a second. "He thought that I was in on it with Bunny."

"Oh, Erin." Jay murmurs. "I'm sorry."

"I know." She whispers, turning her face into his shoulder, breathing deeply to fight off more tears. She continues once she's gained control of her emotions. "I came here for a bit, then I went and met Annie at Molly's. She asked me why I haven't just left Chicago yet, to get away from Bunny and all of it."

"What did you tell her?" Jay asks cautiously.

She turns her head up to face him. "I didn't tell her anything. But I knew it was you." She smiled softly, despite the tear streaks on her cheeks. "I don't want to go anywhere without you, Jay."

He smiled back and kissed her forehead softly. "Same goes for me, babe."

"I really need to cut Bunny out my life, for good this time." Erin admits.

"I think you're right. She's had way too many chances, and you don't deserve her crap."

"Yeah." She sighs.

"And you know I'll help you with anything you need, right?"

She smiles at him. "I love you, Jay." She tells him, softly but firmly.

"I love you too, Erin, always."

Jay relaxed as she snuggled closer into his chest, feeling the last remnants of tension from the day leave his body. They'll make their way to bed eventually, but for now he's happy on the couch. As long as she is in his arms, and not running from him, they can handle anything life throws at them.


	10. Part 10

_Hey guys, I'm happy I'm able to post another chapter so soon, but that's because I started this one ages ago and have finally finished it. Thank you for the sweet reviews on the last chapter, I really do appreciate them so much. This chapter takes us way back to season 2, seeing how it could have ended differently if Erin had told Jay about her using after his "but know that I am looking out for you" speech. I hope you enjoy, please leave a review!_

/

Jay goes through his locker slowly, collecting the things he needs so he can head home. It's been a long day, and his growing worry over Erin had only made it longer. She'd been so unresponsive when he'd tried to talk to her earlier, trying to get into her head to figure out what's going on with her. He knows she's hurting after losing Nadia, but it's like there's something else there, and he can't quite put his finger on it.

The sound of footsteps entering grabs his attention, and as if he's conjured her up through his thoughts, Erin comes to stand beside him.

"Hey." He says softly, studying her pale face and dark under eye circles.

"Hey." She replies, not quite meeting his eyes.

They stand in silence, facing each other for a few minutes before Erin speaks again.

"You know how you said that you're here for me?" She asks slowly, taking him back to their earlier conversation.

He nods wordlessly, waiting for her to continue.

"Well, what if it's too much?" She says slowly, her hesitancy obvious in her tone.

His heart jumps at her words. She wants to open up, but she's not sure how to, or if she should. She thinks that what she has to say will change his opinion of her.

"I'm always here for you, Erin, you know that. You can tell me anything."

She laughs, somewhat bitterly. "That's what you say now."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He asks, slightly taken aback.

She lets out a deep breath and lifts her eyes to his. "I really screwed up, Jay."

Her face is serious, and her eyes betray her true emotions. His brow furrows in concern. She's scared, and he rarely sees Erin Lindsay scared.

He finds himself stepping into her without realising, his hands rising to grip her arms. He doesn't want to crowd her, but he can't stand by while she's obviously so tormented.

"Erin, whatever it is, we can fix it." He promises. He has no idea what she's been dealing with, but he'll do anything to make that look on her face go away.

She sighs softly and turns, walking away from him.

His eyes close in defeat, thinking he's pushed her too far and caused her to shut down even more. The sound of a locker opening causes his eyes to fly open again. She's standing in front of her locker, looking for something.

She makes her way back over to him, and stands before him cautiously. He opens his mouth to speak again when she shoves something into his hand. He takes it and looks down at his palm, his jaw falling slightly when he realises.

"Erin …"

A bottle of prescription medication.

He lifts his head to face her, and the hesitancy in her expression is gone, replaced with shame and regret.

He looks back down at the bottle to verify what he's seeing.

"Wha – why?" He can't even form a coherent thought, looking to her for answers.

She shrugs, her eyes dropping away from his again.

"Erin," he puts the bottle down inside his open locker and stands so he's facing her head on. "Why would you do this?"

"Why not? All I am is trouble." She says, bitterly.

"No, you're not, that's total crap and you know it."

"Do I, Jay? I don't think I do." She retorts. "I'm bad news, I've always been bad news and that's all I'll ever be."

"This is not you, this is your mother talking." Jay insists. He's had a bad feeling about Bunny from the start, and now his suspicions have been confirmed.

"You don't know anything about my mother!"

"But I know you, and this isn't you! You're the strongest person I know, Erin, and I know you're going through a hard time but this isn't the answer. Nadia would not want you to do this!" He insists.

"It doesn't matter what Nadia would want because she's _dead_. And I'm the reason she's dead, so I can do whatever the hell I want!" She yells right back.

"You have got to stop punishing yourself for this! It is not your fault, it's Yates'. No one blames you, and Nadia wouldn't blame you. Please, Erin, no one wants to lose you too. _I_ don't want to lose you."

His words hit her, and her entire body seems to close in on itself, her shoulders falling forward and her arms wrapping around her waist, as if she's holding herself together.

"I just can't believe she's gone." Her whisper barely fills the space between them, but it's enough for Jay to step forward so that he's standing in front of her again.

"Me either." His voice softens from his previous yelling. "And I know I wasn't as close with her as you were, but she would not want you blaming yourself. I know she wouldn't."

Erin hangs her head. "I know. But I can't sleep, and I can't stop thinking about it. I just need to not remember her body in that hole every moment of the day. I need it to go away."

His heart constricts at her shaky voice. One hand reaches up tentatively to cup her cheek with his palm. "I know, Erin, I'm so sorry. I wish I could make this all go away, but I can't."

Her eyes flicker back to him. "It should've been me."

"No," he responds immediately with such force. "Erin, don't even say that."

"What am I supposed to do, Jay?" She asks him, looking so lost. "I've screwed up now. Voight will be so angry with me."

"You've had a setback, Erin, but an understandable one considering what you've been through lately. You can come back from this. I know you can."

"What's the point? I know what I'm like, I'll just screw up again." She tells him dismissively.

"Don't talk about yourself like that!" He says in frustration. "You're strong and amazing, and you can come back from this. I know you want to, under all that hurt, because you trusted me enough to tell me this. I'll help you Erin, whatever it takes."

She stares at him for a moment, and he can see the intense pain now. It hurts to see her so vulnerable, but at least there's feeling in her eyes now, unlike when they spoke a few hours ago. It's when her eyes fill with tears though, that he can't take it anymore, and pulls her into his arms, holding her small body tightly.

"It'll be okay, Erin." He whispers against her hair. "I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it will be."

She simply nods against his strong chest, afraid to speak in case she dissolves into sobs. She's already being much more vulnerable with Jay than she ever is with anyone.

He simply holds her for a few minutes, before he finally speaks.

"I think we need to go see Voight." He says softly.

She hesitates for a moment before nodding again. She's not thrilled to see how her father figure reacts to news of her using again, but knowing that Jay will be with her makes her the slightest bit more comfortable.

She looks up at him, wishing she could find the words to thank him for not giving up on her. He gives her a soft smile, his eyes telling her that he understands. She manages a small smile back, glad that he gets her.

He lets go of her, but takes one of her hands in his, leading her from the locker room towards Voight's office. He knows there's a long road ahead of Erin, but he'll be there for every step.


	11. Part 11

_Ok, so every time I plan a new chapter for this story, the show does something to make me change my mind, or give me a new idea. That's exactly what happened with this chapter. This one started as a simple idea, but then it just kept running. This was my way of making myself feel better after the last few episodes. I hope it makes you feel a little bit better too. Reviews are always appreciated!_

/

The locker room has been witness to many important conversations from the members of the 21st District. It had once been the site for the discussion where Jay and Erin decided to 'cool it'. Over a year later, it's the place that brings them back together.

It's been a long couple of weeks, no matter how hard they've tried to remain normal with each other. Erin has lived alone a lot longer than she did with Jay, but it still catches her by surprise every morning to wake up with an empty space beside her, and not see him until he arrives at work.

She misses him all the time, even when he's in direct view. Their partnership out in the field is the same as it's always been, and she's thankful that they can be professional enough to get the job done. When they're not working though, she can't stop her mind from wandering. She's trying so hard to be supportive, and part of her does understand why he's doing all of this. But the rest of her wants him to come home, so she can reassure him he's still the man she loves, that she doesn't think any differently of him.

It's a regular morning at the district, as Erin combs through files relating to their latest suspect, a man suspected of killing his wife and son. Jay's busy going through the man's phone records, and the two of them work simultaneously, only pausing to call out discoveries at each other.

Voight suddenly appears at the door of his office.

"We found our guy, we gotta go."

Everyone immediately jumps up from their desks, on their way to gear up and roll out.

"You need a hand?" Jay asks quietly, breaking Erin from her thoughts as she tries to secure her vest herself.

She brings her eyes up to his silently, before nodding her answer and moving her hair out of the way.

It's something he's done countless times, something that's become part of their routine over the last few years, even before they were involved. But right now it's the closest they've been, physically, in the last two weeks.

"Thanks." She whispers when he's done, locking her eyes on his.

"Let's go!" Voight's raspy growl calls, effectively breaking the moment.

The two partners hurry after their boss, ready to find this scum and end the case.

/

"Okay, everyone stay alert. I want eyes on this guy as soon as possible." Voight commands over their walkies as Erin parks the car on a busy street in downtown Chicago.

The two partners walk down the street, their eyes scanning for their suspect while trying to appear like regular people. Erin spotted Hank and Alvin on the other side of the street, and she knew Attwater and Ruzek were behind her and Jay.

She and Jay spot Carson at the same time. They look to each other, nodding before hastening their speed to catch up to him. Jay knows they need to get him away from as many civilians as possible.

They spot their moment when Carson disappears down a side street. Erin and Jay both draw their guns, making sure it's clear before they round the corner.

The alleyway is empty. Jay takes the lead, with Erin backing him up. Suddenly, Carson jumps out from behind a dumpster, catching Erin by surprise as his large hands wrap around her slender neck.

The noise has Jay whirling around, his gun immediately trained on the man holding his partner.

"Carson, let her go, now!" He roars. He doesn't notice Attwater and Ruzek entering the alleyway with their own guns drawn. Every fibre of him is focused on getting his partner to safety.

"No way man, I'm already going down, so I might as well take a cop with me." The man yells as Erin unsuccessfully tries to pull his hands away from her throat. Erin Lindsay is undoubtedly strong, but her small stature is no match for a man more than twice her size.

"Last chance." Jay orders.

The man still doesn't release Erin, so Jay aims at his shoulder and takes the shot. Carson immediately drops his hands, his body falling towards the ground and pushing Erin away from him.

"Erin!" Jay cries, his heart racing as he watches his partner take a dive, her small body crumpling into a pile as it hits the concrete.

He makes his way to her side faster than he can think about it, dropping to his knees beside her.

"Erin!" His hands come up to cup her face. "Erin, are you okay? Open your eyes for me, come on."

Erin does as he begs, peeling her eyelids open slowly.

"Jay?" She murmurs.

"Yeah, babe. I'm right here. What hurts?"

"My head. Throat." She croaks.

"Ambulance is five minutes out." Ruzek calls to him from where he's dealing with their bleeding suspect.

"I'm dizzy, Jay." She whispers, closing her eyes to block out the harsh light of the sun. She hates how weak her voice sounds, but she can't bring herself to care right now.

"It's okay, just rest for a minute." Jay tells Erin, brushing his fingers over her forehead.

He carefully catalogues her appearance as they wait, and he's slightly relieved to find that her injuries aren't too concerning, although he can't forget the sight of their perp's hands around her neck. He takes some deep breaths to calm himself while they wait. Her breaths are pained, but even, and he focuses on the rise and fall of her chest.

/

Jay hovers nervously as Erin is checked out by Shay, since she flat out refused being taken to the hospital. His partner flinches as the paramedic probes gently at her neck.

"Sorry, girl," Shay winces. "You're going to have some nasty bruises for awhile. How's your head feeling?"

"It's okay." Erin's voice is even raspier than usual, the result of their suspect's almost successful attempts to crush her windpipe.

"I'm going to give you these painkillers, they'll help your head and your throat. If you start to feel any worse, or you start throwing up, I want you to go to the hospital right away, okay?"

Erin nods, knowing how concussions can be.

"I recommend getting some cream for your bruises to help them heal faster. And you need someone to wake you up every hour for tonight to make sure you're alright. Though I'm sure Jay will be fine with that." Shay presumed.

Erin shifts uncomfortably, not knowing how to answer, because Shay obviously has no idea about her and Jay's current ... whatever. She'll just have to stay at Hank's for the night, or ask Burgess to come over for a while.

"Of course." Jay says immediately, and her head jerks up to meet his.

"Good." Shay nods. "Just making sure."

"You don't have to come over," Erin murmurs once Shay has moved away. "I'll be fine, I can just ask Hank –"

"Erin," Jay interrupts her. "You're hurt, I'm coming home with you. End of discussion."

Her heart lifts slightly at the determination and concern present on his face, but she stamps it down immediately, simply nodding in reply.

/

Erin sits on the bench in the locker room, gathering the energy that she needs to make it downstairs and into the car. And to be honest, she's gathering the strength to have Jay back home with her for the night, and to accept that it's just for tonight. Because she wants so much more, wants it to go back to how it was just a few weeks ago. The events of the day have left her feeling quite vulnerable, which is a feeling she isn't fond of. All she wants is to go home and spend the night wrapped in Jay's arms, but knows that discussions need to be had first. She doesn't want him thinking that she's using this situation to her advantage.

As if conjured up by her thoughts, Jay appears at the side of the lockers, looking down at her on the bench with a look of tender concern.

"Hey," he begins softly. "I just wanted to make sure you're alright. Are you ready to go?"

She nods wordlessly, avoiding his eyes. She knows if she looks into them, she'll be unable to hide her thoughts from him.

His brow furrows in confusion, and he moves to kneel down in front of her, forcing her to meet his eyes.

"Erin? What's wrong?" He asks, the blankness of her expression causing the worry in his chest and making him wonder if he should be taking her to the hospital after all.

"Come home." Her voice is quiet, but steady. "Please, Jay, I need you."

His breathing hitches as he takes in the sight of her pale face, bravely trying to keep her composure. Her quiet plea is enough to tighten his chest, for he knows how much Erin Lindsay hates appearing vulnerable. He leans up, pulling her into the safety of his chest.

"Erin, of course. I couldn't leave you along right now." Doesn't she understand that no matter what they are at the moment; that nothing else matters more than her? "I didn't need Shay to mention it, I would've come home with you regardless."

"Not just tonight." Her voice is mumbled against his shirt. "Come home for good."

His eyes fall closed at her soft admission. He wants so badly to forget everything that's happened, to go back and pretend his sham of a marriage had never happened, or that he'd told Erin earlier. He knows he's put her through so much unnecessary pain lately, and he wants to come home and forget all of it, but he can't ignore the feeling in his chest that tells him he's not good enough for her, that he's not the man she deserves.

"Erin …" His whisper gets lost in her hair, unsure of how to answer her.

"I'm sorry." She whispers suddenly, pulling away from his embrace, swiping at the tears that have settled on her cheeks.

Jay's head is practically spinning from how fast she has changed direction.

"Wha – why are you sorry, Erin?" He asks in confusion.

She's back to avoiding his eyes as she answers. "I've been trying to give you your space, and that shouldn't change just because something happened today. Don't worry about coming over; I'll just go spend the night at Hank's."

He places his hands on her thighs, holding her down gently as she tries to stand.

"No, Erin, don't be ridiculous."

"I'm not, I just can't have you come home if it's just for tonight. I miss you so much, and if after tomorrow we go back to whatever we've been doing the last few weeks, I won't be able to handle it."

When she makes another attempt to move, Jay cups her face between his palms and brings her lips to his, kissing her firmly.

She falls into his embrace, letting the familiarity of their actions take over, before her brain kicks back in and stops her. She pulls away suddenly, finally standing to put some space between them. Jay simply follows her.

"Erin, wait." His hands fall to her forearms. "I love you, and today really scared me. It made me wonder why the hell I'm even doing this, when I could be at home with you. I _want_ to come home with you."

"But?" Erin prompts gently, hearing the tone in his voice.

"But you deserve better than a guy who lies to you, and can't remember periods of his life because he was so black out drunk."

"Jay, you went to war, you went through trauma!" She argues.

"It's not an excuse, Erin! It changed who I am as a person."

"Yeah, it has changed you, Jay, because you know you don't want to be that person anymore. I have periods of my life I still regret. You've seen me go through some of them! You always told me that my actions back then don't define who I am now, why can't you see that for yourself?"

"It's different, Erin. You deserve better than me." His head falls, avoiding her eyes.

"I decide what I deserve Jay, and I want you! You are the best man I know." It's her who steps into him now, gripping his shoulders with her hands. "You're kind, and protective, and supportive. All I want to do is be there for you like you've always been there for me."

Jay lifts his eyes to her, and she can see the vulnerability in them. Of course, it's also the exact moment where her body decides to remember the trauma she's been through that day, and her raised voice causes a sudden and violent coughing fit that makes her feel like her throat is on fire.

Jay swears under his breath, having forgotten her injuries for the last few minutes.

"Hang on, Erin." He says, lowering her back to the bench and grabbing a water bottle from his locker for her. He kneels in front of her once more, waiting out the fit and offering her water.

Exhausted, Erin leans forward at the waist until her forehead rests on his shoulder. Jay's hand slips beneath her shirt, rubbing gentle circles on her lower back.

After a few minutes, Erin raises her head from his shoulder, having gotten her breathing under control.

"You okay?" Jay murmurs, reaching up to brush her hair out of her face.

She nods, gripping at his shoulder with one hand, the bench below her with the other.

"We should get you home." Jay sighs.

Erin nods reluctantly, not wanting to leave their conversation where it ended. When neither of them makes a move to get up, she takes a chance.

"I know you went through some terrible things, Jay, and I can't pretend I know how hard it must have been, or how hard it still is." She tells him, her scratchy voice preventing her from speaking any louder than a whisper. "But it doesn't change the way I see you. Please let me be there for you, like you've always been there for me."

Jay lets out a deep breath, and looks at Erin, seeing the love and honesty in her eyes.

"Okay." He breathes.

Erin's pale face lights up. "Really?" She whispers back.

Jay nods, a smile creeping through. "Yeah. Now let's get you home, babe. You need to rest."

He knows there are more discussions to be had, but they can wait for now.

/

Jay keeps a tight hold on Erin's hand as they walk up the stairs. She can't stop a smile from taking over her face as he uses his own key to open the door to their apartment. He lets Erin in first before locking the door behind them.

"Couch or bed?" He asks.

"Bed." Erin sighs, despite the fact that it's only four in the afternoon.

Jay nods, and takes her head again, leading towards their room.

It only takes Erin a minute to shed her work clothes and pull on sweats and a hoodie of Jay's before climbing under the covers. Jay returns with a glass of water and the painkillers Shay had left with him.

"I texted Will. He's going to come over tonight to check on you and bring me my stuff I left there." He tells her as he settles himself beside her.

Erin hums happily. "Good."

She feels the bed shift beside her, and she opens her eyes to find Jay lying on his side, facing her. She smiles softly at him.

"Hey."

"Hey." He replies with a smile of his own.

"I missed having you in this bed. Didn't sleep as well without you here." She tells him softly. She's not sure if it's the head injury, or the painkillers, or just the memory of him being gone from their bed that's making her so honest, but she can't stop the confession from escaping her lips.

He smiles back, almost sadly. "I missed you too. Sorry I left."

She shakes her head slightly, before regretting it, pain radiating through her. "Don't be sorry. I get it. Just don't do it again."

"Never, never." He murmurs, pulling her into his chest. "Rest, babe, it's okay."

That's how they stay for the remainder of the day, into the night, with Jay waking her every hour to check that she's okay. Will does visit, bringing Jay's bag of clothes with him, and shooting Erin a look that says _finally_ , with a smile.

The next day, Erin wakes to the sight of Jay's face, relaxed in sleep. It's a much nicer sight than the one she's become accustomed to over the last few weeks. She simply crawls closer to him, and falls asleep again.

Voight orders her to take a day off, and Jay ends up calling in sick to spend it with her, after staying up most of the night to make sure she was okay. They spend all morning entangled together on the couch, the television playing softly in the background, with neither of them paying any attention to it. They venture out for lunch late in the afternoon; stealing fries from each other's plates, their free hands intertwined. They watch a movie that night, even though Erin falls asleep half way through. Jay carries her to bed and tucks her beneath the sheets safely before resting her against his chest. After weeks of no contact, he can't bare to be even an inch away from her.

She murmurs softly in her half conscious state. "Love you, Jay."

His grip on her tightens ever so slightly, and he presses a kiss into her soft hair. "I love you too baby, so much."

As he succumbs to the pull of sleep, Jay swears to himself that he'll never let anything get between him and Erin again. He's still got a way to go with his PTSD and his past, but he knows he can get through it with her by his side.


	12. Part 12

_So I started writing a different chapter to update with, but then this idea came to me and I wanted to publish it first. I am NOT sorry about this chapter, haha, and I wish this could have happened this season. So this takes place late season 4, but in a version where they'd all got their shit together, no one moved out or changed partners. Basically what we all hoped for._

 _After the news yesterday about Sophia, Fanfiction is really what's comforting me right now. While I won't accept anything completely until it's confirmed by her, I do have a feeling that we're not going to be happy with what happens to our dear Linstead … just as many of us haven't been happy the last couple of months anyway. That being said, I aim to continue writing for these two, because I love living in denial and pretending they're happy. I had planned for this story to reach 15 chapters, but I only have one left so far. So, if you have any requests or suggestions, please leave a review or send me a message, and I will definitely consider it. Just don't ask me to write one where she comes back to tell Jay she's leaving, because while the thought did pop into my head today, I don't think I'll ever be ready to write that (unless I'm ever feeling particularly viscous). I hope this chapter helps you feel better about our favourite couple._

/

It starts as a normal day, like any other. Erin drives her and Jay to work as usual, joking and drinking coffee. They enter the District and head straight for their desks, starting on paperwork while they wait for everyone else to arrive. She has no idea that by the end of the day, her life will have changed.

The unit gets called to raid a known drop point for a big time dealer. Everyone's geared up, since they're not sure what to expect. Attwater knocks down the door and they all rush in. Jay and Erin take the front of the downstairs while Ruzek and Olinksy take the back, Voight and Attwater heading upstairs.

They cover each other, moving stealthily through the hallway as they clear each room like the well-oiled machine they are. They enter the kitchen, where two bodies are slumped on the floor. Jay heads over to one, while Erin heads for the other.

"He's gone." Jay calls, having reached his victim first.

Erin's brow furrows as she stares at the back of the body lying before her. She knows that flannel shirt …

Her eyes widen as she reaches down and turns the immobile body towards her. It's her mother.

"Erin?" Jay comes up behind her. His step falters when he realises who it is in front of them.

"Oh my god."

Jay's hand wraps around her arm, pulling her away as his other hand reaches for his radio.

"Sarge, you need to get down here." He says roughly. Erin's still staring blankly down at her mother's dead body and there's panic flooding through his veins. He has to get her away from this. He grips her hand tightly in his, tugging her from the room with a soft _come on_. She follows him wordlessly back out into the harsh Chicago cold.

There's white noise filling her ears, and her vision tunnels down to a single point. She doesn't register the tight feeling in her chest or her ragged breathing. She doesn't even notice Jay right in front of her, calling her name to try and get her attention.

"Erin!"

His voice finally breaks through her jumbled thoughts and she jumps, her wide eyes meeting his.

"Come on, let's get out of here." Her partner suggests.

She shakes her head vigorously. "No, I can't go until I know what happened."

"Erin …" His voice is soft and tender, but she can't let him comfort her yet. Not here, or she'll break down and that'll be it. One pleading look from her tells him all this, and he nods in acknowledgement. He may not understand it, but he'll do anything she asks.

They only wait for ten minutes, but it feels like an eternity for both of them. An ambulance arrives and Voight exits the house, making his way to where the two of them stand.

"Erin." Jay can tell their sergeant doesn't know what to say either.

"She is dead, isn't she?" Her quiet voice asks.

Voight simply nods. "I'm sorry, kid."

She swallows thickly because asking more. "Do you know …"

Hank understands what she needs to know without her saying so. "Looks like an overdose. There are no defensive wounds or injuries that indicate otherwise."

Erin nods, words failing her once more.

"Jay, get here out of here." Voight orders, his gruff voice thicker than usual. He and Jay wordlessly agree that she can't be here any longer.

Jay nods, and wraps an arm around Erin's waist, leading her back to the car. Surprisingly, she allows the comfort and doesn't even blink when he opens the passenger door for her. There's no way in hell he's letting her drive right now.

/

He'd led her upstairs through the back exit when they'd arrived back at the District, and sat her down in the break room while making them both coffee. He hears her leave the room while his back is turned, but gives her a couple of minutes before following her. He knows exactly where she's going.

When he enters the locker room, his love is sitting on the floor with her knees drawn into her chest, her back against the blue metal. He's not sure what he was expecting, but he isn't surprised to find her face devoid of any emotion or expression.

"Sweetheart?" He says softly, lowering himself to sit beside her on the ground.

She blinks, but doesn't offer him a response.

He stops himself from reaching over to touch her, knowing she's so far inside her own head right now.

"I'm so sorry, Erin."

She nods absentmindedly, but still doesn't make a sound.

He joins her in silence, knowing that she's still processing, and trusting her to let him in when she's done so.

"I don't know how to feel."

Her husky voice startles him. It's the first sentence she's said to him since they'd left the house they found Bunny in.

'That's ok, Erin. No one expects you to feel a certain way right now. You're allowed to feel however you do."

"But that's the thing, I don't know how I feel. Normal people would be upset that their mother had just died." Her voice is low and hollow, sparking worry within him.

"Most people have a very different relationship with their mother than you did with Bunny. A relationship that wasn't your fault."

"Still, I should feel something about the fact that my mother is dead. But I don't feel anything."

"It's been a long battle with her, Erin." Jay says softly. "No one can blame you for feeling confused."

"I'm not confused though. I know how I should feel, but it's not what I'm feeling."

"There isn't a set way to deal with this, especially in your situation. You know we all grieve in different ways. You haven't even had time to process this."

She doesn't nod her head or anything, just simply blinks. She still hasn't looked at him since he entered the room, and he's growing more and more concerned by the minute.

The buzzing of his phone in his pocket breaks his focused gaze from his girlfriend, and he digs it out to read a message from Voight.

 _I'm back. If she's okay by herself for a minute, come see me._

He sighs, not knowing what to do. He knows Hank must be worried about her, just as he is, but he really doesn't want to leave her alone. Not like she's really responding to him anyway.

"Babe? Are you alright if I go talk to Voight? I'll just be a minute." He takes her hand in his gently, running his thumb over the back of her hand comfortingly.

She nods slightly, still silent and staring straight ahead.

He squeezes her hand and gets up, heading for his boss's office.

"How is she?" Voight asks gruffly.

Jay sighs and runs a hand across his face. "Still in shock, barely speaking, won't even look at me. I don't know what to say to her. There's nothing I can do to make this better for her."

Voight nods in agreement, defeat lining his expression. "All the times I wished Bunny out of Erin's life, I never imagined it like this. Not a way that would hurt Erin."

"She doesn't know how to feel." Jay tells him. While he always keeps conversations between Erin and him to himself, right now her father deserves to know how she's coping.

Hank sighs. "Do you think I should talk to her?"

Jay shrugs. "Maybe later? I should go check on her."

The sergeant nods. "I'll keep everyone away from the locker room."

"Thanks." Jay says gratefully. While he and Hank don't always see eye to eye, Erin is the one common thread they will always have.

/

As he enters the locker room once more, the first thing he hears is silent sobs coming from his girlfriend. His heart cracks that little bit more as he hurries back to her side.

She's still in the same place where he left her, only her hand is covering her face in attempt to muffle her sobs as tears track their way down her cheeks. The pain in his heart that's always there when his girl cries only intensifies.

"Erin," he murmurs as he slides down to the floor and immediately pulls her into his arms. His next words die on his lips; because he can't tell her it'll all be okay. Not right now. So he holds her tightly as her body shakes with the force of her sobs.

Eventually her cries die and the two of them are left sitting in silence once more.

"I'm a terrible person."

Her whisper cuts through the air, causing him to turn to her, disbelief covering his face.

"What?"

"I lied before, when I said I didn't know how to feel. I know how I feel, but I didn't want to admit it. From the moment I saw her dead body, I just felt relieved. What kind of person feels like that?" She chokes out.

"Someone who's been treated terribly by that person their entire life." Jay answers honestly. "Erin, you are not a terrible person. You are kind and generous and amazing, despite all the hell that she put you through. I don't know how you turned out so amazing with the childhood that you had, but you did."

As he speaks, tears fill her eyes again. Everything he's saying is a lie. She's not all those wonderful things. Not when she's feeling the way she feels right now.

"You are, Erin." He says, knowing where her mind has gone. He ignores her shaking of her head, barrelling on. "You are the best person I know, and nothing Bunny ever said to you can change that."

"A good person wouldn't feel relieved that their mother is dead." She gasps.

"Someone who's been through as much as you would." He murmurs.

"It's not an excuse." She mutters.

"No, it's not." He agrees. "But it's completely justified."

His hand finds her jaw, and he tilts her face up to his so that she has no option but to look right at him.

"You are not a terrible person because of her, Erin. You're an amazing person despite all of her attempts."

His words finally seem to resonate with her, and this time when tears fill her eyes, it's from relief. She leans back into his chest, pressing her ear to the spot where she can hear his heartbeat, letting it soothe her.

One hand of his cards through the soft strands of her hair, while the other is steady on her back. He holds her like he's protecting her from all the horrors of their world. If he could, he'd take her far, far away, where she'd never have to feel pain or anguish again.

"Thank you for being here." Her soft voice is muffled against his shirt.

He presses a kiss to the top of her head. "You never have to thank me for that baby, you know that. I'll always be here for you."

Truth is, he's just glad she's allowing him to comfort her, rather than pulling away and running. They're both changed so much in the last few years, and for the better. He can't imagine how she'd be going through this alone. He silently reminds himself that he'll never let her go through anything by herself again.

"What do you want to do?" He asks softly. He desperately wants to take her home right now, but he'll let her make the call about what she needs.

"I don't know." She answers quietly.

"Why don't we go see Hank?" He suggests. "I know he's worried about you."

She nods silently and allows him to help her up, taking her hand and leading her into Hank's office.

Her father figure reassures her of the same things that Jay did, but while his words help, they don't have the same impact that her partner's did. He insists that they both take the rest of the day off, so she and Jay both head home before going to the gym. He seems to understand what she needs better than she does. She still feels numb, but every time she looks at Jay, he gives her a small smile and a squeeze of her hand, and it helps more than she ever could have imagined. Just having his support is enough.

/

A week later, she's standing in front of her mother's grave, staring down at the name carved across the headstone.

"Hey." Jay murmurs as he comes up behind her. He'd left her so she could have a minute alone, but that minute had stretched on and now they're the only two left, besides Hank, who he knows is waiting in the car park.

"Hey." She whispers back, her eyes still tracing the words before her. She smiles slightly when she feels Jay's hand slip around hers.

He doesn't say anything else, just leaves her to her thoughts that he's sure she'll eventually share with him.

"I did love her. Even though she was a horrible person who did terrible things, she was my mother, and I did love her."

"That's because you're you." Jay says. "And she did do a lot of terrible things, but there's one good thing she did."

Erin's brow furrows in confusion as she turns her head to face him. "What?"

Jay smiles softly. "She had you. I'm so glad she did, because I can't imagine my life without you."

Her heart practically melts in her chest, and she steps forward into his embrace.

"I love you." She whispers.

"I love you too." He whispers back.

She pulls away, and leans down to brush her palm across the stone.

"Goodbye, Mom."

As she takes Jay's hand in hers once more and follows him out of the cemetery, he feels a strange kind of lightness inside of her chest. Now she knows her mother will no longer have a hold on her, and she can start to truly leave her past behind. All she's interested in is her future with Jay.


	13. Part 13

_The idea for this chapter has been shamelessly stolen from Grey's Anatomy (two ideas actually!), and I seriously have no idea where it came from. I haven't been a viewer of Grey's for many years now, so who knows what my brain was doing the other night. All I know is that this idea popped into my head, which led to me watching the original Grey's scene on YouTube and crying over it at 3am. Good times. If you're a Grey's fan, or ex-fan like me, you might recognise a few lines from the show in each scene. Any lines taken from the show obviously do not belong to me. I can see the end with this story, and I know that the timelines of each chapter have been all over the place, but from the last chapter to this, and the ones that come after are all in chronological order now (an alternative, happy ending to the end of season 4 into an AU season 5). And speaking of season 5, the inspiration to finish this story came after reading the new PD showrunner's interview where he discussed Sophia leaving and the future of Jay on the show. That really cemented the fact that I won't be able to watch CPD anymore, because even though I adore Jesse, Sophia was the reason I started watching it and it just won't be the same for me anymore. That is just my opinion, others may feel completely differently to me. Although I will no longer be watching it, this show will hold a special place in my heart, particularly due to Linstead. I will keep living in my little land of denial, pretending they are still happily living together. I also hope to keep writing stories for these two. For reference to the engagement in this story, please see chapter 3. I hope you enjoy this._

/

She has a feeling.

She can't explain it, but she feels like something's going to happen, and all she can do is wait for it. It's there when she wakes up, and it doesn't fade as she and Jay arrive at work to begin their day.

"Babe, are you okay?" He murmurs in her ear, his body pressing into hers from behind as she stands at the counter in the break room. He's noticed her strange behaviour all morning and he can't wait any longer for her to tell him.

She turns in his arms, glancing out to the bullpen to make sure no one's watching. Sure, they may be engaged, but they still try to keep the PDA under wraps at work. Right now though, she can't bring herself to care. She needs her fiance's arms around her, to have him soothe away the fears that have appeared out of nowhere.

She looks up at him. "I have a feeling." She says softly.

She doesn't say anything else, but Jay's eyes flicker, and she knows he's understood what she means. He always understands her better than she does herself.

"I get those." He murmurs.

"What do you do?" She asks softly.

He shrugs, his expression apologetic. "Wait for it to pass."

She sighs and leans forward, burying her face in to his chest. She still has no idea why, but all she knows is she wishes she'd stayed in bed this morning.

Jay's arms tighten around her, and she allows herself a few short moments of respite, before pulling away from him. She gives him a soft smile, brushing his jaw with her thumb before heading back out to their desks to continue with their work. She can't waste the rest of the day just because of a feeling.

/

She figures out the reason for her feeling only an hour later. Voight bursts in to the bullpen from his office.

"There's an incident over at Chicago Med, everyone gear up!" He growls in his raspy tone.

His detectives all move instantly, knowing from the expression on his face that it's serious. Jay and Erin secure each other's vests, grab their gear and jump into the car, following Voight and Olinksy to the hospital.

Erin can see the tension in Jay's posture, and she abandons all thought of her feeling, focusing on her partner.

"I'm sure Will's okay." She says softly, knowing he's thinking about his brother.

Jay sighs and reaches a hand across to rest on her thigh, squeezing in silent thanks. "I hope so."

As soon as they reach the hospital they're all business, all other thoughts out of their mind.

"Alright, everyone listen up." Voight barks, waiting for his team to assemble in front of him. "There's been a bomb threat. Bomb squad's been called in, but we need to help with crowd control and security. I'll give everyone an area to work in, and I expect everyone to stick with their partner and keep radios on at all times. Is that clear?"

The detectives are all nodding in understanding when a cry breaks their attention.

"Jay!"

Jay turns around at the sound of his voice to see Natalie, his brother's girlfriend running towards him, tears streaking down her face.

"Natalie! What's wrong?" He says urgently, gripping the woman's arms to steady her.

"It's Will! He's in the section that they quarantined off, but it's not a threat Jay, it's a real bomb! I heard them talking about it."

Jay's eyes widen as Natalie's words sink in. He whirls around to face Erin, whose face is as concerned as his, and then to Voight, who fixes him with a hard stare before nodding.

"Go. Take Alvin with you."

"What? No!" Erin shouts, stepping in front of her partner before he can move.

"Erin, I'm not going to the bomb, I just need to find Will." He explains calmly.

"You are talking about going into a quarantined area where a bomb is, Jay! That's reckless!"

"He's my brother, Erin!" He pleads with her, and she can see the fear in his eyes. "I have to find him."

She knows that she can't stop him, and there's nothing she can say to change his mind. Her eyes meet Hank's over Jay's shoulder, and her father figure fixes her with a stare that tells her he understands why Jay wants to do this.

She sighs heavily, before bringing her eyes back to his. "Be careful, please." She orders more than anything.

He nods, hauling her against his chest for a moment, before pressing a kiss to the top of her head and hurrying after Natalie.

/

Erin paces the space in the hallway, arms folded over her chest and brow furrowed. Voight had sent everyone else off to manage crowd control but had stayed behind with his daughter to keep her calm. Or to stop her from running after Jay and Natalie, which he knew she could do.

"I can't believe you told him to go." She mutters under her breath.

"You and I both know how stubborn Halstead can be. He would've gone whether I let him or not."

"That still doesn't mean you should have told him to."

"Erin, he'll be fine."

"You don't know that!" She yells, stopping and turning to face him. "He could be walking in to a dangerous situation!"

"He's been in plenty of dangerous situations before." Hank tries to reason with her. "Jay knows how to handle himself."

"I know he does, but that doesn't matter! What if he gets hurt, Hank? What am I supposed to do without him?"

Voight stops, and looks up at the woman he's considered his daughter for most of her life, tears welling in her eyes. She's not the kind to get upset easily, but he knows right now she's terrified. She looks just like the scared kid he'd taken in off the street. He pushes himself up from the chair to come and stand before her.

"Now you listen to me kid, there is no way Jay would leave you. He's going to do everything in his power to come back to you, so that you two can have your wedding and be happy together. Okay?"

Erin breathes deeply and leans forward until her forehead is pressed against Hank's chest.

"I can't lose him." She whispers.

"Everything will be alright." Voight says soothingly, wrapping his arms around her. He prays to God he's right. He knows that Erin's survived a lot in her life, but losing Jay would be the thing that finally breaks her.

Suddenly, a loud noise echoes throughout the room, and the floor starts to shake.

"Oh my God." Erin gasps, and Hank doesn't even think, just drags her over to a doorway where they can stand as safely as possible.

Erin's mind suddenly catches up, and before Hank can blink, she's struggling out of his arms, trying to run towards the doors Jay walked through less than an hour ago.

"Jay!"

Hank hurries after her and locks her in an even tighter grip than before.

"Hank! Let me GO!" She screams.

"Erin, I can't let you do that!" He yells back, still holding on.

All at once she's weightless in his arms, sobbing harder than he's ever seen her before.

"Hank, please." She cries. "Jay!"

Hank is surprised to feel tears springing to his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Erin." He says gruffly, trying to hide the emotion in his voice. "I can't let you go after him."

"No." She cries, sinking towards the ground. "Jay …. I …"

Hank lowers himself to the ground beside her, pulling into his chest once more. All the fight seems to have left her, so he's no longer concerned with her running after her partner. He is concerned by the fact that if Jay doesn't come back, there's no way Erin will cope without him.

/

Erin doesn't know how long she sits there on the floor with Hank, because time seems to stand still. Every minute that passes is another minute where Jay doesn't come back, and convinces her even further that he won't at all.

She feels Hank freeze all of a sudden, but she doesn't bother lifting her head from its resting place. Not until she hears that voice, the one she'd know anywhere.

"Erin."

She gasps, and squeezes her eyes shut, burrowing further into Hank's chest.

"I'm imagining it, aren't I?" She whimpers.

"No, kid." Hank reassures her. "Look."

Tentatively, she raises her head, and standing there is her partner, her fiancé, her _Jay_.

She scrambles to her feet and throws herself at him, the tears falling once more as he catches her.

"I'm okay, baby, I'm right here." He murmurs in her ear, over and over again until she begins to calm. "I'm sorry I scared you. I'm so sorry."

She pulls back slightly to cup his face with her palms, taking in every inch of him, making sure he's okay. When she's satisfied that he is, she presses her lips to his, breathing him in thankfully. He responds in kind, returning the kiss with vigour, his hands pressing firmly at the small of her back.

They pull away breathlessly, and she sighs heavily, pressing her forehead to his chin, arms still wrapped around his neck.

"I thought I'd lost you." She murmurs.

He sighs as well, his arms tightening even more. "I'm sorry. We weren't in the area when the bomb went off, but there was so much going on that we couldn't get back here. It's a mess out there, but amazingly no one's died. They managed to get everyone out of the area. But I'm so sorry I made you worry. I can't imagine how you felt."

She lifts her eyes to his, smiling softly. "You're okay, that's all that matters."

He smiles back, and the two of them stay locked in each other's gaze.

/

She doesn't let him out of her sight for the rest of the day. They return to the district to finish up some paperwork, and he can feel his eyes on her at all times. He doesn't mention it though; he knows he's put her through a lot today.

He's talking with Ruzek when he sees from the corner of his eye as she abruptly stands and leaves the room. He gives her a moment before excusing himself from his conversation and following her to the locker room.

When he enters, he finds her seated on the bench with her head in her hands. His heart constricts in his chest when he realises once again just what he's caused her to go through today.

"Erin?" He says softly, not wanting to startle her.

When she raises her head to meet his eyes, the tears that have dried on her cheeks are obvious. His chest pangs again as he makes his way to her, crouching down in front of her.

"I'm so sorry, baby." He murmurs.

Erin shakes her head, blinking rapidly to clear her watering eyes. "It's fine. I'm fine. I just needed a minute."

He nods silently, squeezing her thigh with his hand.

"All I could think about was that you could die, and I would never get to call myself your wife." Her whisper breaks through the silence. "And I knew if that happened, that would be it for me."

"I'm here though." He says soothingly. "I'm not going anywhere."

"You don't know that!" She explodes, standing from the bench with such a force that he almost topples backwards. She begins pacing the locker room, words falling from her lips faster than he can keep up with. "This job is too dangerous, and something always happens! There's always a gun, or a dead body, or a bomb, or a million other things that could take you away from me! And I think I fooled myself into thinking that everything would be okay, that the universe would keep us safe because we deserve this. Today just reminded me that nothing is guaranteed, no matter how badly you want it. I can't stand the thought of not getting to marry you, or spend the rest of my life with you."

As she finishes her rant, her body sags, exhaustion from the day taking over. She seems so small standing in front of him, and all he wants to do is take her with him and run away, far from anything bad that could happen.

He steps forward. "We are going to get married. We're going to buy that house we want, and get the dog I know you want so badly, and we will always be happy, even if life keeps throwing crap at us. We have to keep believing in that."

She leans forward so her forehead is pressed against his chest. "I know, days like this just make it so hard to remember."

"That's the reality of the job, unfortunately." He reminds her.

She sighs. "I really want to marry you, Jay."

"So let's get married."

"We are. In two weeks." She reminds him.

"No, let's get married right now."

"What? We can't." She pulls back, staring at him.

"Sure we can!" He releases her to turn and rummage through his locker.

"You can't just change all of our reservations to be today." She argues.

He turns back to face her, a pen and stack of post it notes in his hand. "No, but we can do this."

"What are those for?" She asks, bemused.

"For our vows, of course."

"What?" She laughs.

"I don't want to wait either, Erin. I want to marry you right now. This may not be legally binding, but this is real for me. You're all I need."

She stares back at him, her mouth hanging slightly open before it shifts into a soft smile. "Okay."

"What do we want to promise each other?" He asks softly, looking up at her with those beautiful eyes of his.

She sighs deeply, letting some of the tension bleed out of her at his romantic gesture. She thinks for a moment before responding.

"That you'll love me, even when you hate me."

He smiles back at her, and she can practically hear his voice inside his head whispering that he'll never hate her, even if she's sure she's deserved it many times.

"To love each other, even when we're angry." He repeats, paraphrasing as he writes it down on to the post it note. He looks back to her, his face still soft but serious. "No running, ever. Nobody walks out, no matter what happens."

She makes her way to his side, sitting down on the bench beside him. "No running." She agrees, before adding, "That we'll always be on each other's sides, even if we don't agree on something."

He nods in agreement, adding it to the bright blue note. He signs his name at the bottom, before handing it to her with a smile. She grins back, signing her name beside his.

"Now what?" She laughs, holding the promises they've just made in her lap.

Jay reaches across the small gap between them to cup her face with his palms. "Now I kiss the bride." He whispers, his lips brushing over hers before deepening the kiss. She responds with vigour, her hands falling to his denim covered thighs.

Eventually, they pull away from each other, unable to wipe the grins from their faces.

"Married." Jay nods, as if that's that.

Erin smiles and nods back. "Married."

They get their real wedding two weeks later, where everything goes perfectly. They recite the traditional vows instead of the ones they wrote on the post it, keeping their original promises for themselves. The day is beautiful and perfect and everything they'd wished for, but for the rest of their lives they consider that day in the locker room the real moment they became husband and wife.


	14. Part 14

_Hi guys! Here's another chapter of this story that I just continue adding to. Thank you to those people that leave comments letting me know they still enjoying reading this, it really does mean a lot to me. There will be one more chapter after this one, which is where I've planned to end this for quite awhile. However, I do want to continue writing stories for these two characters, just not in the locker room as I have done in this story. I may not watch the show anymore since I respect Sophia's decision to leave and am very disappointed at the way the writers/producers have handled it, but I will always have a special place for these two characters in my heart. So if you have a story idea that you would like to see, please send me a message! I hope you enjoy this chapter._

/

"Did Voight say anything about how long you'd be gone?" Jay asks as he takes items of clothing from Erin's clothing from her outstretched hand and folds them neatly before placing them into her suitcase. When Erin had complained at having to pack at such short notice he had offered to help, which she accepted with a smile, a kiss and a crack about his house husband status (which will never die, especially now that it's official). He's way better at packing than she is anyway.

His wife sighs as she pulls another shirt out of her drawer. "No, he wasn't very specific. He just said Olivia requested my help on this case. I don't even know what it's about."

Voight had only approached her that day at work and told her he was sending her to New York to assist the SVU team with a case. The details had been quite minimal. Luckily Voight had allowed her to leave early to pack and spend time with Jay before her flight that evening.

He turns his head to look at her over his shoulder. "You'll call me if you need anything?"

She smiles softly at him. "Of course I will." She's better at accepting help than she used to be, especially since she's finally realised that he's not going anywhere.

She makes her way over to him as he continues packing her bags, her heart filled with so much love for this man. She crowds behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her cheek into the strong muscles of his back.

"I wish you could come with me." She murmurs.

Jay stops packing to place his hands over hers, squeezing gently. "Me too, babe."

They haven't spent much time apart throughout their entire relationship, let alone their still new marriage. Working together every day certainly doesn't call for a lot of separation.

Jay sighs and pats her hands with his larger one after a minute or so. "We'd better finish packing so we can get you there on time." He says reluctantly.

"Yeah." Erin agrees, pressing a kiss between his shoulder blades before heading into the bathroom to pack her makeup.

Before they know it, they're at the airport, waiting for Erin's flight to board. Jay holds her face between his palms and kisses her softly and insistently, enough to make her want to tell Voight 'screw it' and go back home with him. She hangs on to a small remainder of professionalism in the back of her mind and reluctantly pulls away.

He smiles at her and tucks a piece of hair behind her ear. "Text me when you get there?"

She nods with a murmured, "Of course" and leans in for one more kiss. It takes all of her strength to walk away and get on the plane, even if it is only for a few days.

/

Erin smiles at the name flashing on her ringing phone, swiping across to answer it as she brings it to her ear. Her first day back in New York went well, and she'd focused all of her attention on the job, but now that she's back in her hotel room she can't wait to talk to Jay.

"Hey, handsome." She grins, even though he can't see her.

" _Hey, sweetheart."_ Her husband's voice rings through the phone. _"How was your day?"_

"Yeah, it was good. It's actually not as heavy of a case as it usually is up here, which is nice for a change. Olivia's taking me out to dinner tonight so we can catch up properly."

" _Hmm, that sounds great."_ Jay answers, but his voice sounds distracted.

She frowns slightly. "Are you okay?"

" _What? Oh yeah, just a long day."_

"Really? What happened?" She asks softly.

His heavy sighs fills her ears and she waits patiently as she settles herself on the couch.

" _Just the case that we had today. We found a young veteran dead in his apartment. Looked like suicide, but we don't know yet."_

"Oh, Jay." She breathes, knowing where his head must be at in that moment. Everyone's got cases that affect them more than others, and anything to do with veterans is definitely Jay's.

"Are you okay?" She asks softly, knowing it's a stupid question but needing it ask it anyway since she can't be there to hold him.

" _Yeah, I'm fine."_ He sighs. _"It just sucks. He's only a kid. I wish he'd known there's people who could have helped him."_

"I know, babe." She murmurs. "I'm sorry."

" _Thanks, Erin."_ He's silent for a moment before speaking again. _"I miss you."_

The corners of her lips turn up in a hint of a smile. She can't feel happy that he's missing her when he's clearly feeling down.

"I miss you too, Jay. I'll be home as soon as I can."

" _Hey, don't you worry about me."_ He insists. _"You just do your thing and kick ass there, okay?"_

She smiles properly this time. "Okay. Well I'd better go then, I told Olivia I'd meet her soon. I'll talk to you later."

" _Love you, babe."_ Her husband says.

"Love you, too."

/

Erin's about to step out the door on the morning of her fourth, and hopefully last, day in New York when her phone rings. Noticing the name on the screen, she answers it instantly.

" _Erin, I need you to come home."_ Voight's voice over the phone line causes her brow to crease in confusion.

"What? Why?" She asks, already picking up her clothes and shoving them into her suitcase. "Is Jay alright?"

" _Physically he's fine, but we found another vet's body yesterday."_

Erin gasped. "He didn't say anything about that."

" _Yeah, he's taking it pretty hard. I thought I'd leave it to him to talk to you and sort it out, but this morning we found out the killer's identity, and it's someone that the two victims did tours with."_

Erin's eyes widen in horror. "Oh my God."

" _Yeah, he's not good, kid. He needs you here."_

"I'll be on the first flight home I can get." She tells him, returning to her frantic packing. She needs to get back to Jay as quickly as she can.

" _I'll call Olivia and explain what's going on. You just get here as soon as you can."_

"I will. I'll see you soon, Hank."

/

She waves to Platt at the front desk as she scans herself up to Intelligence and hurries up the stairs. Voight is waiting for her, leaning against the doorframe of his office. She moves to meet him, not sparing a glance for the rest of her co-workers sitting at their desks. They instinctively know she's not concerned about them right now.

"I'm glad you're here. He's in the locker room." Voight's raspy voice is low, his words only meant for her.

She squeezes his arm in thanks, before hurrying down the hall to find her husband. She makes it through the door of the room, stopping beside the blue lockers.

He's hunched over the sink and her heart breaks even without seeing his expression, because she knows what he must look like.

Her footsteps cause him to raise his head and his eyes widen as he sees her in the reflection of the mirror.

"Erin?" Jay chokes out.

"Hey, babe." She whispers, moving towards him.

He whirls around to face her just as she reaches him. One hand reaches up to cup his jaw, her thumb brushing across his cheek, the other hand gripping his arm reassuringly.

"You're really here?" He gasps.

She nods, her eyes sad as she takes in his pale face and the deep bags under his eyes. "I'm right here, babe."

All at once, she's in his arms and he's gripping her so tightly that it's almost painful, but she doesn't care in the slightest. She grips him back just as tightly; trying to take away all the pain he's carrying.

"I'm here. You're okay." She murmurs soothingly, over and over again.

Neither of them is sure how long they stand there like that, but Erin refuses to be the one to let go first. Eventually, Jay pulls back from her, a wisp of a smile gracing his lips.

"I'm so glad you're home." He murmurs, brushing a thumb across her cheekbone.

"Me too, Jay." She runs a hand through the strands of hair at the back of his neck.

"Why didn't you tell me how much you were struggling?" She asks softly.

He ducks his head to avoid her eyes, not wanting to see the disappointment that he's expecting. "I didn't want you to worry about me. You shouldn't have to come home just because your husband needs you."

She runs her fingers across his cheek and cups his jaw in her palm, gently forcing him to meet her eyes. "Of course I do. That's what partners are for. That's what _wives_ are for. You are the most important person in my life, Jay. It doesn't matter where I am, or what I'm doing."

He smiles slightly, and the tension in his eyes eases just a fraction. Her heart lifts a little as she realises that she can ease his pain a bit.

He lifts a hand to brush her hair away from her face. "I missed you so much."

She leans forward to press her lips against his. "I missed you, too." She whispers.

/

A couple of hours later, Jay lays on the couch in their apartment, Erin wrapped tightly around him. It's a testament to how terrible he must look that Voight had ordered the two of them take the following day off. He had passed it off as an act of consideration since Erin had just arrived home, but Jay knows their boss and his defacto father-in-law well enough to see through that excuse. There's the even further proof of how tightly Erin is clutching to him, and how she hasn't let him out of her sight since she arrived back at the District.

He smiles softly as she turns her head and presses a kiss to his chest, almost as if she can hear his thoughts. He runs a hand down her back in response.

"Jay."

Her quiet voice jolts him out of his thoughts, and he tilts his head to meet her eyes.

"I need you to promise me that you'll tell me next time something like this affects you so badly, especially if I'm ever not here. I married every part of you Jay, even the parts of yourself that you don't like. Just like you did with me."

He sighs deeply. He can see the clear concern in her eyes, and he's hit with a sudden wave at gratitude by the fact that this amazing woman has chosen him to love. He knows that he never wants her to worry about him, even if that means he needs to let go of some of his control. He needs to take down the last few walls that he's built around himself over the years.

"I promise." He murmurs, and sees her instantly relax a little.

"Thank you." She murmurs back.

They end up coming up with a set plan for if one of them has to travel for work, which includes morning and evening check in phone calls, complete honesty, and the chance to go with each other, where necessary. Over time Jay learns to lean on Erin when he needs to, knowing it's no longer a sign of weakness.


	15. Part 15

_Hi guys! Here is the final part of The Locker Room, which started as a little one shot and ended up as 15 chapters! Thank you so much to every person who reviewed or favourited this story, you are why I continued to do it. This story may be over, but I will continue writing for these two beautiful characters that deserved better than the show ever gave them. If you ever have an idea for a story about these two, please send me a message. I can't promise I will write it, but I'm open to suggestions! As for the last reviewer who suggested the road trip we never got to see, I love the idea and I'm currently working on it, so that will be the next story. And the previous two reviewers who suggested a pregnancy storyline, I laughed to myself because this chapter was almost finished! I hope you enjoy this! Thank you for reading, please let me know your thoughts!_

/

Erin stares down at the paperwork in front of her, trying to stem the rising wave of nausea for what feels like the tenth time that morning. She knows one of her greatest strengths is the ability to soldier on no matter how she's feeling, but she's also aware that her stubbornness is one of her biggest flaws. Part of her had wanted to stay in bed that morning, while the rest of her hadn't wanted to acknowledge that her husband had a point when he told her to stay home.

 _"Babe, you really don't look well."_ He'd told her, concern evident in his expression. _"Why don't you take the day off?"_

 _"I'm fine."_ She'd insisted. _"There's nothing wrong with me."_

 _"But you've been feeling bad for a few days now,"_ he'd said, taking her into his arms. _"I'm getting worried, Erin."_

She'd brushed off his concern, but now she's sitting across from him, trying to conceal how she's feeling in order to prove him wrong. Yep, that stubbornness of hers is a killer.

She stands suddenly, heading towards the break room. Maybe some more coffee will settle her stomach. Halfway there though, her stomach tells her that she's wrong, and she heads down the hallway to the locker room instead.

Passing the blue lockers and heading straight for a stall, she slumps to the ground and empties the contents of her stomach into the toilet.

She's not sure how long she stays there, half on the floor and half against the toilet, but it isn't long before she feels a familiar hand on her back.

Jay.

"I won't say I told you so." His soft voice says as he gathers her hair back into a ponytail and ties it up for her. Her heart jumps a little when she realises he must've had a spare elastic in his pocket for her.

"And I'm very grateful for that." She replies, her voice even raspier than usual.

"Do you want to get up?" Jay asks.

She nods, feeling as though the worst of it is over. She's wrong though, and no sooner has Jay helped her to her feet than she's dropping to her knees once more.

It takes another few minutes before she tries to move again, and this time Jay simply picks her up and carries her over to the benches, making sure she's sitting steadily before he goes to fetch her some water to rise out the taste of bile in her throat.

"Here you go, babe." His voice is low and comforting.

She whispers thanks to him as she takes the cup, drinking the water before shifting forward to rest her forehead against his stomach as he stands before her. His fingers card through her hair gently, and she lets his actions soothe her.

"Are you feeling better?"

"Yeah." She mumbles against his shirt.

Jay lets out a low chuckle. "Liar."

"Then why did you ask?" She throws back.

"Because I'm a concerned husband, of course."

"Well, a concerned husband should be nice to his sick wife."

"I am being nice. I was also being nice when I told you to stay at home today, but I married the most stubborn woman alive."

"Shut up." She mutters, having no other comeback.

He chuckles again, and keeps running his fingers through her hair.

A noise sounds behind them, and Jay turns to see Voight beside the lockers, watching them both.

"Everything alright?" The older man asks.

"Yeah. What's up Sarge?" Jay answers for them both.

"Got a call about a body. Everyone's getting ready to head out, so I came to check on you two. You alright, kid?" Hank addresses Erin this time.

She nods weakly. "Yeah, of course. Let's go." She grabs hold of the hem of Jay's shirt and tries to pull herself up, but his hands come out to rest on top of her shoulders to steady her.

"Erin, you really shouldn't be going out right now." Jay tells her, before turning around to address their boss, and her father figure. "Hank, Erin's been throwing up, I don't think she should be going with us."

"Tattle tale." She mutters petulantly under her breath. Jay and Hank's relationship has only improved over the years, and when the two of them gang up on her, she stands no chance.

Hank fixes her with that serious stare of his for only a moment. "Erin, stay here. If you're not feeling better by the time we get back, Jay will take you home."

"Don't I get a say in the matter?" She snipes back at him.

"Not when you look like that, you don't." He replies flatly. "Meet us downstairs when you're ready, Halstead."

"Will do." He nods, before turning back to her. "Are you going to be alright?"

"You mean while you're all out there? Sure." She frowns.

Jay leans down to press a kiss to her damp forehead. "Be careful and I'll be back soon."

"Okay. Be safe out there." She tells him.

He flashes her one of his trademark smiles, and heads off, blowing her a kiss as he leaves. She rolls her eyes but smiles anyway, wondering how she ended up with such a good man.

After ten minutes, she makes her way back into the bullpen and tries to get on with her paperwork, but she ends up right back in the locker room. Eventually she decides to stay there, leaning her back against the bottom lockers as she absentmindedly scrolls through her phone.

"Hey, Lindsay. You alright?" Platt's voice from behind her startles her.

"Yeah, I'm fine." She reassures the older woman. "Hank and Jay are just being overprotective as usual."

She barely gets the words out before she's bolting for the toilet again.

"Hey Lindsay?"

"Yeah?" She sighs.

"Have you considered the thought that you might be pregnant?"

Erin's head snaps up. "What? No. That's not what it is. I've just caught a bug."

"Okay, I'm just saying." The older Sergeant shrugs.

Erin stops, thinking back to the last few weeks. Come to think of it, her period is a bit late, she'd simply put it down to stress from work. And Jay's right, she has been feeling unwell all week ...

She mouth drops open and her eyes flicked back to Platt, who's watching her with a knowing look.

"But - I ..." Erin isn't sure what to say.

Platt's face softens in a way that it doesn't for most people, as she comes to sit on the bench beside Erin.

"Hey, it's alright. Whatever it is, you and Halstead will figure it out."

Erin just stares blankly at the floor.

"Hey, I didn't mean to freak you out." Platt says quickly. "I just wasn't sure if you'd considered it."

Erin shakes her head dazedly. Sure, she and Jay have talked about having kids, and they have been married for almost two years, but they hadn't put themselves on any sort of timeline.

"I need to know." She says suddenly. "Now that you've put the thought in my head, I need to know if I am or not."

Platt nods. "Okay. I'll go out and get you a test."

"Trudy, you don't have to -" Erin starts, but she's cut off just as quickly.

"Don't even worry about it, I'll be back as quickly as I can."

The older cop is leaving the room before Erin can even catch up, taking her mission very seriously.

Erin doesn't know how she passes the time until Platt gets back, but one minute she's staring into space and the next, the sergeant is shoving a bag into her hands. Erin peeks inside to see three different pregnancy tests.

"What do I do?" She croaks out.

Platt's eyebrows rise in disbelief. "Take it out of the box. Pee on it. Wait the amount of time as stated on the box."

"No." Erin sighs. "What do I do about taking it? Do I do it now? Do I wait til Jay gets back? Should I wait til I get home? I don't know what the right thing is here."

Platt's expression softens. She comes to sit beside Erin once more.

"I don't know. That's up to you, really. Do what you think is right for you and Jay."

Erin stares down at the packages in her lap.

"I'll wait." She whispers.

Platt nods. "Ok. I'll let Jay know when he gets back that you're here."

Erin smiles at the woman who's been her guardian angel today. "Thanks, Trudy."

The older woman smiles and returns to her desk.

Erin sighs as she reads the back of the boxes, hoping Jay won't be much longer.

/

Jay hurries up the stairs once he arrives back at the district. He'd managed to focus on the task at hand when he'd been out in the field, but once they'd finished, his thoughts had strayed to his sick wife. Voight had given everyone else tasks, then told him to go back to check on Erin. Jay's not sure if he should be relieved or concerned by that fact that he hasn't heard from her while he's been gone.

He passes Platt's desk with a small wave, intent on making it to Erin, when the older woman's voice stops him.

"She's okay. She's still in the locker room though."

Jay's eyebrows rise as he realises that Platt must've checked in on her, and he nods a thank you as he continues upstairs, punching in his numbers. Sure enough, the bullpen is still empty, so he makes his way to the room where he'd left her a few hours earlier.

"Erin?" He calls as he enters the room. "You okay, babe?"

"Over here." She calls softly.

He makes his way to her side, brow furrowing at her nervous expression. She definitely hadn't looked that way as he'd left. She's biting her lip, something she only does when she's worried. He lowers himself to the bench beside her, reaching over to cup her pale cheek with his palm.

"Sweetheart, you don't look well at all." He says honestly. "I think we need to go home."

"Yeah." She sighs. "But before we do, there's something I need to tell you."

His eyes widen and a hand falls to her thigh, squeezing comfortingly.

"What is it?"

She turns her head to face him. "I think I might be pregnant."

He freezes, letting her words sink in.

"Okay. Well, we'll stop and get some tests on the way home."

Erin reaches to her side and grabs a plastic bag that he hadn't realised was there, dropping it into his lap. He peers inside to find three different pregnancy tests.

"Platt went and got them for me." She explains. "She was the one who asked me if I'd considered it. I hadn't even thought of it."

He nods, taking all of the information in. "You haven't taken them yet?"

"No, I wanted to wait for you. I was too nervous to do it myself." She says softly.

Jay's heart lifts at the fact that even though she's clearly terrified, and desperate to know, she'd waited for him to find out. The Erin Lindsay he had met all those years ago wouldn't have waited for someone else.

"Okay. Let's find out then."

"I'm scared." She whispers.

"Me too." He admits, pulling her into his body. "But no matter what it says, we'll be okay."

She nods. "I'll go … take them then."

Jay nods as well, waiting for her to return to his side, losing himself in his thoughts.

He won't lie; the thought of having a kid is both terrifying and exciting. He has been thinking about it a bit lately, but he and Erin hadn't had the conversation since the first few months of their marriage, deciding to enjoy being married for the time being. Then they'd become busy at work, and never returned to the conversation. But now that's he's thinking about it, it's pretty cool. He just needs to know where Erin's head is at.

A couple of minutes later, his wife returns, immediately cuddling into his side. That tells him exactly how she's feeling, since she normally doesn't allow much affection at work.

"What are you thinking, sweetheart?" He murmurs against her hair.

She sighs before answering him. "I had no idea there was even the possibility I could be pregnant. I should know, shouldn't I?"

"There's no reason you would be expected to know." Jay reassures her. "The majority of women don't even know they're pregnant before they find out. What about all those women who don't even know until they're in labour? You'll have them beat."

She cracks a small smile, but sobers quickly.

"So if I am pregnant, I'm not a terrible mother for not knowing?" Her voice is small, telling him just how vulnerable she's feeling.

"No, baby, of course not. You would never be a terrible mother. Why would you even think that?"

She sighs again. "I didn't have the greatest example of how to be a good one."

Jay sighs himself as he realises where her fears are coming from.

"Erin, you are going to be an amazing mother. You'll be nothing like Bunny. You are a much better person than she ever was. And you did have a good example in Camille." He points out.

Erin's mouth stretches into a small smile at the thought of her surrogate mother. "Yeah, that's true."

Jay hugs her even closer. "I have no doubt you'll be a fantastic mom. You're the most loving and caring person I know, plus you always make the kids we work with feel safe. You'll be amazing."

Erin smiles again as she snuggles into his side. "You'll be amazing, too. Any kid would be lucky to have you as a dad."

"Thanks, baby." He murmurs, pressing a kiss to her temple.

Erin sighs, and he feels a slight bit of tension enter her body again.

"What if it's negative?" She whispers. Jay knows what she's not saying, that she wants it but is scared it might not be true.

Jay sighs. "We'll be disappointed, but we'll move on and talk about when we want to start trying. No matter what it says, it'll be okay. And you know I love you no matter what, right?"

He feels her smile this time, rather than sees it, and feels her lips press into the column of his throat.

"Yeah. I love you too, Jay."

Jay smiles himself, revelling in the feeling of his wife in his arms, no matter how used to it he may be.

The sound of the alarm on Jay's phone snaps them out of their bubble. They tilt their heads to look at each other, and Jay is relieved to see some of the worry in her eyes has dissipated.

"Whatever it says …" he reminds her. She nods in response.

Erin removes herself from the warmth of his arms and heads over to the sink where she'd left the tests resting. Her sharp intake of breath causes Jay's chest to tighten as he waits for her to turn around and give him the answer.

Unable to wait even a second longer, Jay jumps to his feet and makes his way towards his wife.

"Erin?"

She whirls around, tears glistening in her eyes. Jay can't tell if they're tears of joy or disappointment until her face breaks into the biggest smile he's seen.

"Are you ready to be a daddy?"

She's holding up the test to prove the answer to him, but all he can see is her and he barrels forward to tug her into his chest.

"Oh my god. Erin, I love you so much." He whispers, his own voice shaky with tears.

"I love you, too, Jay." She gasps, letting the tears fall. She pulls back to stare up at his face. "We're going to have a baby."

Her face is full of awe and Jay's positive she that in this moment, she is the most beautiful she has ever been.

His face reaches up to cup her cheek and his brings his lips to hers, trying to convey all of his love and gratitude for her with one kiss. They eventually break apart, breathless and pressing their foreheads to each other.

Jay wraps his arms back around her, pulling even closer than possible. His heart pounds and all he can do is squeeze his wife, thankful for every single moment this little locker room has given to them and the journey that they're about to start together.


End file.
